Someone Cursed Me With Itchy Red Hives


A hive spell is the only remaining explanation. Allergy panels are negative. No new products tried during the onset of the devilish hives. No new pets acquired. What else could it be?

It's pretty ingenious, actually. Consider:

  • Humiliation: The hives appear at the most inopportune times. I got free tickets to the grand opening of The Laugh Factory from a friend who works security there. A mere 15 minutes before we arrived, my scalp tingled, my neck flushed hot. Filthy red welts erupted on my face and neck - so attractive. People do tend to shy away from you when you have such things on your face. I think it suggests a degree of contagiousness.

  • Insanity: The itch of these hives could very well drive me mad. They itch so intensely that I harm myself trying to stop the torment. I squeeze the rubbery welts between my fingers to make them go numb. Too bad one was close to my carotid artery and I almost fainted. I stab them with my fingernails to give myself another sensation besides the bloody itching. Lately, during the peak of the itching curve I burst out in hapless giggles, which worries me a little.

  • Expense: I am now a constant Benadryl customer. Not too expensive and well worth the price, but an extra cost just the same.

I am not sure who has done this to me, but I do have a cagey coworker in mind. I recently revoked her refrigeration privileges in the lunch room because she repeatedly harvested colonies of mold on rotting old left-overs. By the way, why is it so hard to just throw your old food away? This, I have never understood.

Anyway, this particular coworker came up behind me a few weeks ago, touched my back and said, "There! You had some hairs on your shirt." So that's how it's done, isn't it? Snatch a few hairs and commence with the hocus pocus?

Well, fine, girlie. I'll have you know that not all is lost. I do get one pleasure out of my hives. When two or more are close together, it's great fun to watch them merge into one gigantic super welt. So there! Take that. And watch your back for stray hairs. Or just buy your own mini fridge.

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