I'm a Real Cliff Dweller - Bacon Rice Krispies Treats

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Believe me, I love bacon. If I were to someday go chalupas in the mind and find myself on death row for an unspeakable crime, I would request nothing but extra crispy bacon for my last meal. Last summer, one of my favorite blogs for kicks and giggs posted a recipe for bacon vodka. Sadly, my high expectations were flushed away, literally.


'Scuse me while I fetch a drink of water. You won't get that unless you click the flushed away link.

Well, what a wicked web our addictions weave because I tried another blasphemous bacon recipe from the same blog responsible for one of the most violent hurls unleashed in my bathroom to date. This time, a bacon-Rice Krispies treat mash-up.

Aaaaand, I'm still licking the pan! Hallelujers, it was divine. Picture this, all the gooey goodness of marshmellows and the sexy smokey flavor of bacon all wrapped up in the crunchy weightlessness of Rice Krispies. Hello, lover.

If you're licking your chops right now, embrace your penchant for everything bacon . You might even become an abstract food artist if you just let go and let bacon. I suggest you let it do what it do and be ye not afraid to make some of these beautiful bacon bars. I had them for breakfast this morning and they're so undense that I went down the street for a bacon cheese omelette afterwards. Life is good.

Walmart Shoppers are Murderers, Kill Walmart Employee in Stampede.

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I wonder how many Walmart shoppers in Long Island, New York, are enjoying Thanksgiving leftovers today after trampling a 34-year-old employee to death early this morning. Get a grip, America. Sheyit. We've now reduced the value of human life down to rolled back prices on plasma TVs and video games?

Crazed crowds took entry doors off the hinges during the 5:00 a.m. stampede for black Friday deals. The male employee was trying to manage the unruly shoppers when he was pushed down and trampled by hundreds of big fat feet attached to bodies whose heads must surely be empty from ear to ear. A 28-year-old pregnant shopper was also pancaked and taken to the hospital.

All I want for Christmas is for police to identify the jackasses who killed this man during the Walmart whackness caught on video tape. Smile, you're on murder camera.

My Home Owners Association Sucks Donkey Balls

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Yes, you read right, my HOA sucks donkey balls. I'm sorry if you have virgin ears (eyes?), but there's really no other way to describe it. Granted, it's quite common among my condo-owning friends to hear HOA complaints. I'm not delusional about HOAs, thinking they really are the caring, responsible property management companies they claim to be. Oh hells no. But my particular HOA is in a class all its own.

Where to start. The dues are astronomical. My one-bedroom 900 sq. ft. condo owes $411 monthly. Hot damn! (I've been waiting for a chance to say that.) I live in Southern California where everything is overpriced, but that is pushing it. I am trapped here because I would take a loss selling right now and the HOA has wisely imposed yet another 20% increase for us beginning January 1st. That's the maximum increase allowed each year and they've made full use of it for three years in a row. Hot DAMN! In a time when people cannot even afford to buy extra underwear, it's so appreciated to choke off another $100 to the fascist HOA.

Anyhoos, my main gripe is the insidious ways they go about making extra money. We have a cornucopia of rules with new violations announced in every monthly newsletter. This month? The speed trap. That's right folks, the HOA security staff has radar guns. Radar guns. The speed limit in our complex and underground garage is 15 mph. Have you ever driven 15 mph? It's.......very..................slow.

I can't think of a worse combination than civilian security guards and radar guns. These guys are extreme wanna be police officers and now they're armed with radar guns. It wasn't enough to install speed bumps high as ant hills at angles so that your car axles jar four times instead of two. No. Now we have radar soldiers who I am sure are fully engaged in ticketing contests. It's as close to arrests as they'll ever get, well at least on the giving side.

So, when I get my radar gun speed ticket I'm going to tell him he sucks donkey balls. I've put a lot of thought into this and I think that's the most insulting thing I can say without threatening his life or using my potty mouth.

Those of you not yet in the vise grips of an HOA, save yourselves. Rent, buy a house or just live in your car. Nothing's worse than the wrath of an HOA scorned.

People Going Postal on Parking Wars TV Show are Funny

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A & E's television show "Parking Wars" really rings my bell. I watch it every chance I get. If you think you've had a bad day at work, you should watch these parking officers get insulted, attacked and cursed every second of their shifts. The show follows the Philadelphia Parking Authority staff as they perform their ticketing, booting, towing and impounding duties.

Parking Wars is the best reality TV show ever. People come unhinged when they get parking tickets in Philly. The city has one thousand parking laws and aggressively enforces them with expensive citations. I'm not saying I wouldn't react the same way, I just really enjoy watching it happen to others.

The best segments are the booting and impound staff. Once your car is booted, you have 48 hours to pay the huge fines in unpaid tickets you've racked up or they'll come tow your car. Your car can't be booted if you're sitting in it. You've never seen people fly out the house so fast wearing all kinds of interesting outfits just to jump in their cars before the boot's in place. Good times! My favorite booter is Steve. He's the calmest man on earth, even in altercations where I would have removed my earrings and settled it in the middle of the street.

The impound staff happily receives the car owners when they arrive to retrieve their cars. They must provide proof of insurance, which most of them don't have. The stories they come up with are really creative! The staff just smiles and keeps repeating the same line, "I'm sorry mam, without proof of insurance you cannot claim your vehicle. Impound charges incur daily". It's a good thing the employees sit behind plexy glass. My favorite on the impound lot is Barb. She smiles too much and it pisses the people off even more.

The best ticketer of all is Danielle. She's kind of like a Jersey girl, friendly but ready to snap your head off with her fingernails. All the guys try to charm Danielle out of their tickets. She lets them think they're closing the deal and then says, "It's a good ticket. Call the number at the bottom to dispute." Doh!

I wish we had these parking officers in my city. It would make parking tickets almost worth the trouble. The show airs Wednesdays on A & E at 10/9 central. You better watch it.



D.L. Hughley When Breaking the News on CNN Remove Your Pimp Jewelry

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CNN is brilliant for hiring D.L. Hughley to break the news; he's brought smart funnies to the network whose best anchors are anything but funny. I respect Larry King's interviewing skills, but lately he's burped odd little leprechaun giggles on more than one inappropriate occasion. I like Anderson Cooper's globe trotting investigations, but his constantly furled brow gives me a tension headache if I watch too long because I'll furl my own subconsciously. And what can I say about Wolf Blitzer? Well, if I can't sleep I turn Wolf on because his monotone lulls me into dreamland.

So, D.L. is a welcome addition indeed. His comedy is original and entertaining and I also like his commentary. Watching him tonight as I've come to do each evening, I caught a glimpse of the timepiece on his wrist. Oh hells no. The damn watch was big as a Frisbee with diamonds prisming aurora borealis lights left and right. And those four-carat diamond studs in both ears? C'mon D.L., lose the P.I.M.P. bling. You don't want those kind of laughs do you, playah?

Rosie O'Donnell's Back : NBC Television is on Crack.

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Rosie O'Donnell's obnoxious pie hole will be barking dim-witted opinions and crude blaps on the NBC airwaves weekly starting November 23rd. Well that's just great. I'd rather pour salt in my eye than see her on TV again.

Rosie O'Donnell is a human migraine headache with ocular disturbances. She's professed some of the dumbest opinions I've ever heard from an adult. Remember her 9/11 conspiracy theory based on her belief that the building collapses were the first time that steel has ever melted? Hilarious. I still wonder how she thinks steel is made. DUMB ASS.

All this foulness wrapped in a messy slobadelic package gets you another TV show? NBC is on crack. The same kind of tired controversy can only make love to ratings so many times. She says her comedy will be like Carol Burnett with Ed Sullivan type variety. Please. That's blasphemous. Carol Burnett is so organically funny and genuinely classy. Rosie is like a fart. It's funny the first few times, but after a short while it's just stinky, loud and disgusting.

I Don't Think Michael Moore is a Full Douche Bag Anymore

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My previous opinion of Michael Moore as an obnoxious America-hating slobtastic douche has been altered by Moore's appearance on Larry King last night. Moore, a Flint, Michigan native and former General Motors employee, made some pretty excellent points about the failing auto industry on the show. He talked about their failing product line and unreliable vehicle performance as the reasons behind the industry's pending collapse. He opposed the blank check bailout requested by the three stooges on capitol hill yesterday because they'll continue making their bad management decisions with our billions of tax dollars. Instead, he said the government should take the reigns of Chrysler, GM and Ford, replace the management team and direct the companies to produce mass transit and hybrid cars, among other things. Check him out.

Barney Frank Needs an Ass Whipping and Speech Therapy, Too

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Barney Frickin Frank is on CNN again tonight talking about all the pwoblems with the U.S. economy and blaming Pwesident Bush for everything that happened while Barney Frank himself was Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee. This congressman is a total cartoon. He needs to go stand in the corner and think about his own role in the financial collapse of America instead of blaming evwyone else for the financial threats his committee should have protected us against.

Man up, Barney. Wait, he probably takes that saying too literally. Ugh.

Jennifer Hudson's Brother in Law William Balfour Looks Like the Boogie Man

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Damn. If I saw this walking toward me, I would cross the street. But how about waking up next to him? Would you scream? That would be pretty hard if he's stepping on your throat. I know you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but this cover suggests a murder mystery's inside. Oh, wait...

Halloween has Been Sluterized but Jesus Costume Offends?

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This Halloween night was one giant ironic experience for me from my friends' young daughters dressed like hoes to the high schooler who was sent home from school for dressing in a Jesus costume. Picture this: we go to my otherwise rational friends' house for some bewitching brew and greatest scary movies of all time. I enter their home and their young teenage daughter bound down the stairs on their way to walk the neighborhood with their friends. Trick or treat? I'd say TRICK.

The girls look like little sluts. They're all of 15 and 16 and wear what they called "naughty wench" costumes, girl pirates with little more than the pimped out gals on the corner downtown have on. Their little boobies are pushed way up under their chins behind white and black lace corsets with red ribbons. Their little girl legs are fishnetted under black skirts that look like tutus and bounce just above their bubbly apple butts over which are just black underwear, one pair is decorated with skulls. One wears thigh high black leather boots and the other sexy black stilettos. Their make-up is heavy - black eyeliner and red lips. The only innocence about them are the pumpkins they carry to hold candy.

Holy shit. Uh, do you want your daughters to be raped tonight? Weird thing is, their parents are on the conservative side politically and socially. It just doesn't make any sense. The girls said goodbye to our group of adults and more than one mouth was gaping as they left out the front door, grinning neighborhood boys in tow.

I didn't muster the courage to ask my friends about their daughters' skanky costumes. And what would I say, anyway? "Are you okay with that?" They obviously are. I sure wouldn't be, no matter how much argument was launched at me. When I have kids, they will have two choices for Halloween until they are 18: ghost or witch made from bed sheet, no boobs, butts or legs showing.

Then on the other end of the insane society spectrum is the young man sent home from high school for wearing a Jesus costume for Halloween. What the fucking hell. The principal said it was inappropriate and would offend some students and distract others. There we go with that minority "some" again. What if he wore an Osama bin Laden costume? How much you wanna bet that would have been "tolerated", or at the very least, if he'd been sent home, radical Muslims all over the country would call for reparations and apologies. And they'd get it, too.

I'm going to bed. I'll probably dream of Jesus dressed as a naughty wench. Then I'll have to go to confession Sunday. Thanks a lot, fucked up society.

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