I'm a Real Cliff Dweller - Bacon Rice Krispies Treats

Believe me, I love bacon. If I were to someday go chalupas in the mind and find myself on death row for an unspeakable crime, I would request nothing but extra crispy bacon for my last meal. Last summer, one of my favorite blogs for kicks and giggs posted a recipe for bacon vodka. Sadly, my high expectations were flushed away, literally.

'Scuse me while I fetch a drink of water. You won't get that unless you click the flushed away link.

Well, what a wicked web our addictions weave because I tried another blasphemous bacon recipe from the same blog responsible for one of the most violent hurls unleashed in my bathroom to date. This time, a bacon-Rice Krispies treat mash-up.

Aaaaand, I'm still licking the pan! Hallelujers, it was divine. Picture this, all the gooey goodness of marshmellows and the sexy smokey flavor of bacon all wrapped up in the crunchy weightlessness of Rice Krispies. Hello, lover.

If you're licking your chops right now, embrace your penchant for everything bacon . You might even become an abstract food artist if you just let go and let bacon. I suggest you let it do what it do and be ye not afraid to make some of these beautiful bacon bars. I had them for breakfast this morning and they're so undense that I went down the street for a bacon cheese omelette afterwards. Life is good.

People Going Postal on Parking Wars TV Show are Funny

A & E's television show "Parking Wars" really rings my bell. I watch it every chance I get. If you think you've had a bad day at work, you should watch these parking officers get insulted, attacked and cursed every second of their shifts. The show follows the Philadelphia Parking Authority staff as they perform their ticketing, booting, towing and impounding duties.

Parking Wars is the best reality TV show ever. People come unhinged when they get parking tickets in Philly. The city has one thousand parking laws and aggressively enforces them with expensive citations. I'm not saying I wouldn't react the same way, I just really enjoy watching it happen to others.

The best segments are the booting and impound staff. Once your car is booted, you have 48 hours to pay the huge fines in unpaid tickets you've racked up or they'll come tow your car. Your car can't be booted if you're sitting in it. You've never seen people fly out the house so fast wearing all kinds of interesting outfits just to jump in their cars before the boot's in place. Good times! My favorite booter is Steve. He's the calmest man on earth, even in altercations where I would have removed my earrings and settled it in the middle of the street.

The impound staff happily receives the car owners when they arrive to retrieve their cars. They must provide proof of insurance, which most of them don't have. The stories they come up with are really creative! The staff just smiles and keeps repeating the same line, "I'm sorry mam, without proof of insurance you cannot claim your vehicle. Impound charges incur daily". It's a good thing the employees sit behind plexy glass. My favorite on the impound lot is Barb. She smiles too much and it pisses the people off even more.

The best ticketer of all is Danielle. She's kind of like a Jersey girl, friendly but ready to snap your head off with her fingernails. All the guys try to charm Danielle out of their tickets. She lets them think they're closing the deal and then says, "It's a good ticket. Call the number at the bottom to dispute." Doh!

I wish we had these parking officers in my city. It would make parking tickets almost worth the trouble. The show airs Wednesdays on A & E at 10/9 central. You better watch it.

How to Lie Soap Opera Style. Your Boss Will Love You For It!

Do you supervise people? I do. It's the most annoying part of my job. Just today I was thinking about all the boring excuses employees give when they want to misuse some sick time for a day off. Listen up droids, if you're going to lie to your bosses at least make it worth their while. There are many ways to dress up your lies about being sick. So don't be lazy with the usual, "I'm throwing up", "I'm having stomach problems", "I have a fever", and the very altruistic, "I don't want to infect everyone else". Put some muscle into your lies and entertain your boss a little.

If you'd like to infuse your lies with a little more drama (and who doesn't love drama?), I recommend lying soap opera style. If you watch soaps, you're already ahead of the game here. I only watch soaps to make myself feel better about life because, let's face it, no one has as much bad luck as soap opera characters. I like to teach by example, so let's begin. Find your preferred lie and then consider the soap opera version. I think you'll agree that the entertainment value of these pimped out lies far surpasses the plain old lazy lies.

Original: My daughter is sick, I have to stay home with her.
Soap Opera Style (SOS): I got my daughter's paternity test back this morning. Her father is the brother of my twin sister's husband, who is now a transgendered woman and my husband's arch enemy at work. He's a producer on Jerry Springer. I just need a day to straighten this out.

Original: I need to visit my Mom in the nursing home. She's having some issues today.
SOS: My mom was thought to be dead over a year ago. She has just resurfaced on a forgotten island in the South Pacific, suffering from amnesia. I need to take a few days off to 1) see who is really buried in her grave; 2) fly to the South Pacific to cling to her and sob 'Mom! Oh Mom! Don't you remember me?'; and, 3) fall in love with a flame eater 20 years my junior while trying to gather my thoughts on the beach as cheesy music plays. I should return by Monday.

Original: I have food poisoning. I am throwing up.
SOS: Someone has poisoned me by secretly squirting Visine into my food. I suspect it is my new neighbor, who is really my long lost aunt thought to have drowned in a diving accident off the Aruban coast 10 years ago, thereby defaulting a large family inheritance to me, which caused me to buy an astronomical life insurance policy with a beneficiary of "any future blood relatives" since I am a single career woman right now. I can fit my doctor, attorney and private investigator appointments into one Friday off.

Original: I am contagious and don't want to infect anyone else.
SOS: I am in the depths of despair over nothing and am thinking of offing myself. I am going to sit on the edge of a bed in a dark motel room holding a small pistol in my shaking hand, tears streaming down my face and dripping onto a photo of my young son who was kidnapped recently, but who is really just an imaginary child I invented because I am a lonely drunk. It's just a catalog model picture in the frame. Anyway, just before I pull the trigger (in between gasps and sobs), flashes of wonderful childhood memories dance before me and then my cell phone rings. It's my Dad just calling to say he loves me. I think I'll feel better by tomorrow.

Do you see what I mean? Let your boss get caught up in the undeniable suspense of it all with these soap opera style lies. Hell, they might give you an extra day off for thinking outside the box. Get well soon!

Friday Night Cocktail Mix

Happy Friday night! I'm ready to wash down a week of sins with another classic cocktail here at The Swizzle Stick lounge. Tonight, we're keeping it all in the family with an alcoholic tribute to a classic film saga.

Tonight's Featured Cocktail: The Godfather

Serve: Cold in an old fashioned glass
Smash Factor: Memory Loss
Origin: USA, 1969

Ingredients

• 7/10 Whiskey
• 3/10 Amaretto

Build over ice. After one of these you might be speaking to others in ways that you shouldn't. See you next Friday at the Swizzle Stick. Subscribe already.

Friday Night Cocktail Mix

I was born a couple decades too late, or at least pieces of me were. I like to get my party on 1950s style. Classic lounge is where it's at, cat. You can keep your crazy ass techno aneurysm music and seizure lights. Give me a dimly lit, smokey lounge or a supper club with a band and teeny lamps on every cloth covered table any day. Two things come to mind when you say lounge: martinis and velvet, everywhere. A curvy gal in a mermaid dress singing in front of a sax and men that knew exactly how to be men is my kind of night out.

In tribute to the classy days gone by, every Friday is cocktails at the Swizzle Stick here at Diva Cosmos. Try a recipe for a classic cocktail until I run through all 774 of them, and perhaps a chillaxing tune to accompany it. Do you and your friends a favor. Turn off G-Unit and host a cocktail party. Your eyes will be opened and so may something else. Classic cocktail parties are great aphrodisiacs.

Tonight's Featured Cocktail: The Bullshot

Serve: Cold in a highball glass

Smash Factor: Low

Origin: USA, 1920s

Ingredients

• 3/10 Vodka
• Powder Celery Salt
• Powder Pepper
• 2 Drops Tobasco
• 2 Drops Worcester Sauce
• 1/10 Lemon Juice
• 6/10 Consomme

Shake all ingredients and serve over ice. If you're not shaking one of your partner's body parts after one of these, you need a defibrillator. See you next week at the Swizzle Stick, unless you're an alcoholic or you haven't subscribed yet. In that case, don't come back.