"Whatever You Like" by Rapper T.I. Reminds Us Sugga Daddies Are Great

Ladies, is the economy cramping your style some? Listen carefully to rapper T. I. explain why you might consider getting a sugar daddy, at least until the Dow Jones volatility stabilizes a little. His lyrics describe the good life that could be yours if "you da hottest love the way you drop it. Brain so good swore you went to college." Sound like you? I'm sure it's okay if you really did go to college. I think the most important thing is the 'way you drop it' part.

Still not convinced? I applaud you for being cautious, but T. I. sounds like he's livin' pretty large. Think of all the other successful bidness men out there looking for a shawty to lavish their successful lifestyle on (for those not as familiar with rap as I am, you don't actually have to be short for consideration. Shorty is just a term of endearment.) Check it:

From T. I.'s "Whatever You Like"

Ya need to never ever gotta go to yo wallet
Long as I got rubber band banks in my pocket
Five six, rides with rims and a pocket kit
Ya ain't gotta downgrade you can get what I get
My chick could have what she want
And go in any store for any bag she want

Alllllright! I have an obsession with bags. My eyes are bigger than my check book. This sounds like an excellent solution, and then some. T. I. sums it up nicely with this, "... You want it I got it, go get it, I buy it...". And all he asks in return are a few requests that are a bit too direct to post, even here. He does water it down towards the end of the chorus, saying, "...he want my body, need my body, long as I got him I won't need nobody".

Fair enough. Listen gals, with Christmas coming up sugga daddies are in high demand right now. You'll need to make yourself stand out from the competition. Do some research. Watch T. I.'s video below, beyotch. (Just practicing)

Lyrics | T.I. lyrics - Whatever You Like lyrics

Dame Shirley Bassey Lays it Down and Gets the Party Started

While searching for more songs to stuff into my iPod last night, I enjoyed about an hour with Dame Shirley Bassey, a voice to be reckoned with. I knew of her and some of her old standards, but this rendition of "Get This Party Started" escaped my grips until now.

Dammit! That's piping out a song right there. I just love her energy and big diva voice. She's 70 years old in this video. Talk about a force. Shirley brings the perfect dash of diva to this song and its 'look at me' lyrics. We could all get a healthy dose of self esteem from some of these words:

"Everybody's waiting for me to arrive. Sendin' out the message to all of my friends. We'll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz. I got lot of style, check my gold diamond rings. I can go for miles if you know what I mean."

Enjoy it. You know you want to dance around the house to it. Do it. Quick, find your feather boa!

Best Life Lessons Learned From Famous Dillweeds

Life can teach you a spoonful if you let it. I like to keep my eyes and ears open for such lessons. I'll be the first one to learn from someone's mistake, or at least laugh at it. Let's have a look at the first honorable mentions in my "Life Lessons" feature. Each lesson is followed by whom to thank for it.

• Playing Mr. Potato Head with your face is dangerous. Michael Jackson
• Love really is blind! Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Rhonson
• Flat irons are for girls' hair only. Seriously. Larry Birkhead and Billy Ray Cyrus
• Good things don't always come in small packages. Vern Troyer's sex tape.
• Never say never. "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse.
• If your balls are big enough, you can rock any hairstyle. Donald Trump's apricot swirl.
• Father doesn't always know best. Josef Fritzl the Austrian perv.
• The Monopoly 'get out of jail free' card works on sheriffs, but not judges. Paris Hilton
• Sometimes clowning for the camera can make you look like a big butchy dyke. Rosie O'Donnell. Oh, wait.
• Even couture shoe designers have a sense of humor. Mary-Kate Olsen in bad shoes, and worse shoes.
• Sometimes fondling an old man is a good idea. You could even build a big career on it. Kelly Ripa is a Regis barnacle.
• Swallow your pride and kiss the rich relative's ass. Leona Helmsley chose dog over grandkids.
• Always carry disinfectant wipes in your purse. Scented ones are best. Britney Spears
• Talking like an Oompa Loompa doesn't win you any friends. Heather Mills
• Sometimes medication is the only option. Bill O'Reilly freaking on TV. Other times, it's so not. Anna Nicole's clown tape.
• Marriage is not always bliss. Warren Jeffs
• The Boogey Man is real. John Mark Karr
• Loving yourself is good, but too much of a good thing is bad. Kanye West as Jesus.
• Social media sites are drugs. You may also need electronic restraining orders. Scott Wolfe sues Facebook for addiction, Twitter Blacklist.
• Question authority. G.W. Bush
  

Ten Percent of Rap Songs Make Excellent Points

The other 90%, sound like angry people with cotton in their mouths - kind of like what you hear at the dentist's office, but with woofers, more bass and a lot more "bitch" and "mufuggas" thrown in. But every now and then, a cRap song comes along that really teaches society something.

Consider Webbie's "Independent" song, or better recognized by white people as that catchy tune about a hard working young lady who doesn't need a sugar daddy. First, he speaks clearly enough for me to understand most of the lyrics and they're pretty good advice. For example:

She got her own shit.

She don't never trip

'cause all she want is that dick.

She bouncy flossy, keep them hoes off me.

Gotta little slang, man I love when she talking.

A independent chick, do you know what that mean?

She cook, she clean, never smell like onion rings.

Deep! Right off the bat I'm in his corner, pumping my fist. It's always a good idea for us to have our own shit. I can't go along with "never tripping", because a good crazy tripping does wonders for a relationship every now and then. But he wins me back with the next line. Moving on, not too sure what "bouncy flossy" means, but what girl in the game doesn't want to keep hoes off her man? Hold on. Let me Google "bouncy flossy". We can all use some more tricks in our hoe removal tool box...

And we're back. From the Urban Dictionary:

Votes: 1499 up, 100 down -
Flossy: Extremely flashy or showy.

Alright, I'll leave the "bouncy" part up to interpretation. So back to Webbie's verse. A little slang goes a long way at making your conversations more meaningful. I like to say, "What it do, what it do, bitch?" when greeting my girlfriends and also, "Quit icin' my grill, aiight?"when someone expresses an unfavorable opinion of me. Try out some urban slang and see how you feel. I suggest you do it at the office.

And finally, I'm not too sure what's so bad about smelling like onion rings. I mean, there are a lot worse smells to have. After a day of cooking and cleaning, I usually smell like, oh wait, I don't cook or clean. I'm independent enough to pay people for that stuff.

Let's bounce, beyotch!

Where I Declare War on Center Walkers

It often seems I am walking upstream on the sidewalk in my neighborhood shopping areas, dodging people left and right and saying 'sorry' or 'excuse me' when one of their bony elbows jabs me. Listen to me now: there are two kinds of people in this world, those who walk down the center and the others who move out of their way.

I am a mover. After 30 years of darting left and right, sometimes at great peril to my hot chocolate or coffee, it all ends tomorrow morning. In a few hours, I greet the new dawn as a center walker. I have a few failed attempts behind me, but thanks to a plastic tonight who forced me to walk clear around her, her puffy dog and the newspaper dispenser, I mean it this time.

It seems nasty stuff collects around the bottoms of newspaper machines, stuff like dog shit. And when you're wearing really cute Sailor Jerry Converse high tops with all those little hollow diamonds in the sole, you better just sit down with a toothbrush and get to work. Fuck you, Plastic. My whole closet smells like poop now, even after tooth brushing my sole all through American Idol.

It's on, center walkers. Tomorrow, I walk the line. I'm not moving to either side and I advise you to face down your own center walkers before you're rerouted into a pile of shit. I can't wait to walk down the street tomorrow like I own it, like a DIVA. I better get some sleep for the big day. Time to brush my teeth.

Why not subscribe? I stepped in poop, dammit.