Halloween has Been Sluterized but Jesus Costume Offends?

This Halloween night was one giant ironic experience for me from my friends' young daughters dressed like hoes to the high schooler who was sent home from school for dressing in a Jesus costume. Picture this: we go to my otherwise rational friends' house for some bewitching brew and greatest scary movies of all time. I enter their home and their young teenage daughter bound down the stairs on their way to walk the neighborhood with their friends. Trick or treat? I'd say TRICK.

The girls look like little sluts. They're all of 15 and 16 and wear what they called "naughty wench" costumes, girl pirates with little more than the pimped out gals on the corner downtown have on. Their little boobies are pushed way up under their chins behind white and black lace corsets with red ribbons. Their little girl legs are fishnetted under black skirts that look like tutus and bounce just above their bubbly apple butts over which are just black underwear, one pair is decorated with skulls. One wears thigh high black leather boots and the other sexy black stilettos. Their make-up is heavy - black eyeliner and red lips. The only innocence about them are the pumpkins they carry to hold candy.

Holy shit. Uh, do you want your daughters to be raped tonight? Weird thing is, their parents are on the conservative side politically and socially. It just doesn't make any sense. The girls said goodbye to our group of adults and more than one mouth was gaping as they left out the front door, grinning neighborhood boys in tow.

I didn't muster the courage to ask my friends about their daughters' skanky costumes. And what would I say, anyway? "Are you okay with that?" They obviously are. I sure wouldn't be, no matter how much argument was launched at me. When I have kids, they will have two choices for Halloween until they are 18: ghost or witch made from bed sheet, no boobs, butts or legs showing.

Then on the other end of the insane society spectrum is the young man sent home from high school for wearing a Jesus costume for Halloween. What the fucking hell. The principal said it was inappropriate and would offend some students and distract others. There we go with that minority "some" again. What if he wore an Osama bin Laden costume? How much you wanna bet that would have been "tolerated", or at the very least, if he'd been sent home, radical Muslims all over the country would call for reparations and apologies. And they'd get it, too.

I'm going to bed. I'll probably dream of Jesus dressed as a naughty wench. Then I'll have to go to confession Sunday. Thanks a lot, fucked up society.

Burt Reynolds' Love Affair With Burt Reynolds

I saw a recent photo of Burt Reynolds on TV today that made me choke on my pomegranate juice. And pom juice is expensive, so wasting some down my shirt is not good. If you've seen Burt recently, you know what I mean. The man, once sexy burly, has morphed into a taught-skinned, wide-eyed man barbie with removable black mustache. Pity.

While searching for before and after photos of Burt, I found this vintage shot. It's not often a man photo can simultaneously disgust and arouse me. The ass is not all that, but the attitude behind the ass is the kicker here. I generally like 'tude in a dude. I see a difference between arrogance and confidence. Still, posing for this photo just oozes 'I love me!' and I doubt most men would do it without losing a bet or being extorted by an exgirlfriend.

Didn't anyone suggest an ass wax? Seriously, with all the real life photoshopping Burt Reynolds has done to himself, you'd think he'd scorn at throwing up his hairy berry. I'm just sayin'.

Blogging Directly Related to Butt Spread

This just in - studies confirm that blogging does result in butt spread, the process of your onion spreading out and over the edges of your chair while you're online for hours. If I don't ease up a little soon, I'll startle my cats with my supersized badonk, too. Like the commercial says, "get out and play an hour a day", or risk towing a wide load.

Victoria's Secret Thong Lawsuit: Thongs Behaving Badly Part II

The thong assault lawsuit filed this week puts Victoria's Secret right in front of a whole new level of the creative lawsuit floodgates! I've put some thought into the circumstances of Marcrida Patterson's case and have some predictions beyond my original thong article. It's time for "Thongs Behaving Badly, Part II".

If this suit is settled in favor of the plaintiff, stand by. If the court finds that Victoria's Secret sold underwear with faulty design capable of personal injury, where does this abstract interpretation end? This particular thong is part of their "Sexy Little Thing" line. Some gal buys the thong with hopes of being sexy and gets no sex. What then? Does she sue Victoria's Secret for false advertising? Well, sure, because someone's always to blame for our misfortunes, right? Riiiiiighht.

Another scenario: someone, say a 52-year-old woman, wears her thong in the locker room at the gym. Mean girls laugh, they say things, mean things, like "OMG! I would die if my mom wore a thong," or "I threw up in my mouth a little bit". This hurts and angers the thong wearing woman. Should she file a lawsuit? Of course! Mental stress and psychological suffering incurred from a product marketed without warnings of such risks sounds like a slam dunk to me.

Well, maybe manufacturers should be more responsible with their product design and marketing. Someone might go blind if they used a certain shampoo incorrectly and a little bit ran down their head and into their eye. The shampoo's consistency was probably too thin and the company should be accountable for any burning, redness and whatever mental stress results. "Warning: Keep Away From Eyes" is not the same as "Warning: This Shampoo Might Run Down Your Head and Into Your Eye Even Though You Didn't Purposely Put It Into Your Eyes So Be Very Careful And Hold Your Head Back With Your Eyes Shut Tight!"

I think manufacturers of everything better follow the alcohol industries examples and put warning labels on all products that say misuse or just plain regular use may result in injury or not getting exactly what you want in life. Or maybe we as a society could simplify CYA and have every parent sign a declaration on behalf of their child when they're born that reads, "Shit happens. I will be a reasonable human being. Promise."

Thong Assault Law Suit: Thongs Behaving Badly Part I

If your underwear doesn't fit, do not acquit...fire off a law suit! Marcrida Patterson, 52, filed a law suit in Los Angeles today against her killer thong. She alleges her Victoria's Secret thong launched a metallic decoration at her eye as she attempted to navigate her 52-year-old onion into it. Straight off, Marcrida you are about a decade beyond legal thong-wearing age, okaaay? This situation could have been avoided had you chosen age appropriate booty wear.

Butt, what's done is done, so here we go. Marcrida claims the decoration shot off the thong and damaged her cornea as she was stretching putting it on. Hey, I'd be thankful the piece didn't fly up her hoo ha. Yowch! Of course eye damage is no laughing matter. What is HILARIOUS is how she will be demonstrating the injury in court. I might just take a day off to go watch this trial. Screeetch! Wait a minute, who am I kidding here?

There won't be any trial. How much do you think Victoria's Secret will settle for out of court? I say $50,000 - the complaint says damages will exceed $25,000. I know, I know, how can you put a price on cornea damage for god's sake? Well, who's going to compensate me for damage to my eyesight imagining this tard in a thong? I picture cinnamon rolls exploding out of their Pillsbury tube. I say we call it even.

So thanks, Marcrida, for sucking up my tax dollars on a silly lawsuit and for all the "warning" and "user instruction manuals" that will now be coming with underwear when I buy them at their new inflated prices. This is totally FUBAR.

Bird Poop Facial: Called It!

I must have found the perfect calibration for my trend watch radar because, hello, my prediction hit just outside the bulls eye on this one. Did I not prophesize animal poop facials in my recent fashion trends prediction? Maybe I was a little off on the animal, but who's that detailed when we're talking about slathering poop on faces? Monkey, bird, kitty cat - poop is poop people. And it is not coming in contact with my face no matter how chic our society considers it. Pfffft.

The Geisha Facial is proudly offered at Shizuka New York spa for $180. That's only about $100 more than the average facial. Who wouldn't jump at the chance to absorb nightingale shit through your face pores? The Japanese powder is advertised to be rich in the amino acid guanine, which brightens and cleanses your skin.

I'm thinking the brightening is from your angry skin cells screaming, "WTF are you doing? Clogging me with butt butter??" Okay, stand down skin cells. Let's examine the scientific merits of the poop facial. It seems geishas and kabuki actors used the powder to clean heavy white makeup off their faces in the eighteenth century. Today's technology uses ultraviolet light to kill the bacteria before you smear it on your face. Yay! That's what I call advancement.

I read one customer of the bird poop facial was a little tentative, but was delighted there was no poop smell and found the mask to be very creamy and rich. Oh hells no. Someone is laughing their ass inside out every time the cash register rings with our complete willingness to do anything in the name of beauty. I am not ever pressing bird shit into my face, let alone pay $200 for it.

The only thing that makes the bird poop facial less ridiculous is a procedure I discovered in my research called a poop sock. Apparently, it's common practice for World of Warcraft, Everquest, or other video gamers to shit into a sock when they're engaged in battle online and absolutely cannot get up to use the bathroom.

Ladies, I suggest you add a question to your man shopping list: "Do you know what a poop sock is?" If the answer is yes, walk on by.

I Want a Black Chick's Onion

No matter what I do at the gym, I cannot upgrade my ass from its current hatchback model. That's how I see it. It's got that slope to it like a mid 1980s hatchback. I'm sick of lunging till my thighs feel like blazing infernos under my skin. My glutes still quiver an hour later and the weird shifts I make in my desk chair to pressure them into stillness is giving a few coworkers concern, I think.

I guess I just don't have the genes for a bubblicious onion. I really admire black girl ass. Can I get a woot woot? Come on, you know you're envious. There's nothing sexier than a curvy butt, big mambas have nothing on it. Big racks are everywhere. They are so 1990s and more girls buy them everyday. But how often do you see a righteous backdoor?

A nice booty cradled in jeans is delicious. It adds instant sensuality to any look. You could wear flooded cords, Wallabees and a yellow sweatshirt. If you're pulling a loaded caboose, you can easily rock that outfit.

Well, before my hatchback and I go sulk for a while, let me clarify I'm not yearning for a badonkadonk. Too much of a good thing is never wise. I'm just saying, black girls, don't take your onions for granted. You're the envy of hatchbacks everywhere, including this one.

Extra Diva Details: Continue your onion envy by listening to these ass tribute songs. I think Sir Mix-a-lot summed it up nicely. Try shaking your flat bump to that song. No, seriously, try it: