Does California Octuplet Mom Nadya Suleman Want an Angelina Jolie Sponsorship?

Nadya Suleman, the beaming California mother of eight new babies, looks a heck of a lot like Angelina Jolie, dontcha think? Juding from her actions and some of her baby love intensities, the sleuth in me doesn't think her appearance is a coincidence.

I was shocked into double takes when I first saw Suleman on TV talking with Ann Curry -- you gotta love Ann; you know she's sitting there thinking ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND and yet she's so calm and professional. The Oct Mom looks so much like Angelina I don't see how anyone can deny it. The hairstyle, the lips, the skin tone, the nose, even the black top, the eight babies, it's Angelina! Except the real one can afford a hundred babies, this one not so much it seems.

Nadya Suleman assured Ann that her finances will improve significantly once she finishes her "schooling". Is she going to brain surgery school? Because even a brain surgeon's income would be stretched caring for 14 children. But she'll, "find a way to make it". Yeah, and my tax dollars will be helping her do that, I'm sure.

Suleman claims she's never been on welfare and won't accept it now. She hasn't worked since 2007 and lives with her parents. Her mother filed bankruptcy last year. Unless she poops dollar bills I don't see how one can sustain themselves and their 14 little 'uns on thin air. I read her hospital stay alone cost over $200,000 and the babies continue to rack up their bill times eight. And here I am stressing over a root canal. Life is hilarious.

This woman claims bringing eight lives into this world without an appropriate financial foundation is not selfish. Well, I and all the other grown ups think it is. She reminds me of my seven-year-old self who wanted to take all my stuffed animals with me in our station wagon family road trip to Las Vegas. All 20 of them. I wanted them with me. What's the big deal?

Luckily, my Mom made me choose two. I wailed at the unfairness of it all. My rant fell on deaf ears and the terrible injustice was forgotten about 10 miles into the trip. Isn't this how we all start learning we can't just close our eyes and do what we want? If it were that simple, we'd all be clicking our heels like Dorothy in the middle of the work week.

Maybe Nadya here will catch Angelina's eye on TV and she'll swoop to her defense and set her up in a big mother goose house. Can you say master plan, anyone?

Metrosexual Smack Down: Are You Still a Guy?

I called my friend a metrosexual after he returned to the office with waxed eyebrows and he went completely Marlboro Man on me. The ensuing days weeks have been a fascinating experiment in the organics of machismo, culminating in the most fantastic declaration of manhood I have ever read, heard and fell asleep to. More on that later.

For those unfamiliar with the term metrosexual, it describes men who are very concerned with their appearance and engage in services or use products traditionally marketed to female consumers--At least that's my definition of it. Turns out, if you Google it, words like "dandy", "feminine" and "queer" appear in search results as synonyms of metrosexual. Three....two....one.....KABOOM!

Evidently teasing my friend about his waxed brows and neon white teeth ignited a masculinity challenge the likes of which may never have been seen before. Nothing against feminine dandies and queers, but that's not what I intended to call my friend. Too bad my word on that's just not good enough for him.

Since being labeled metrosexual, he has started each morning by telling me all the burly, rugged, manly things he's done the previous night: chopped firewood (we're city dwellers, mind you), worked on his TRUCK, popped bottle caps with his teeth. And on. He's been ordering medium rare steaks for lunch a lot more frequently. He even came to work with some stains on his pants, oil from changing the car's that morning. Down, boy, down!

Well, before he comes to the office with splinters in his teeth from eating tree trunks for breakfast, I'm happy to say it seems the metrosexual smack down has culminated to a deserving end with his sending me the video to a most apropos song, Brad Paisley's "I'm Still a Guy".

Nothing further need be said on my part, really. Just take a listen and read the rugged lyrics. I've fallen asleep to this wonderful tune for the past two nights and consider it the manly man's lullaby.

I'd Like a Little House on the Prairie Christmas Right About Now

As I sit here at my computer at 3 a.m. with burned up monitor eyes, comparing last minute holiday deals on mp3 players and cell phones for family members who will just die without them, I hear Pa Ingalls enraptured with his new flannel shirt sewn for him by little Half Pint.

I like to watch the TVLand channel at this sour hour of the morning instead of "Buy Houses for $300!", or "Get the Barrack Obama Limited Coin Set!". Little House on the Prairie comes on three episodes in a row tonight and each one is a Christmas show.

In the last episode, baby sister Carrie has saved her allowance for an entire year to buy a tin star tree topper from Mr. Olesen's store so baby Jesus will have a present, too. Let's remember chores on the Prairie would likely collapse kids today, so spending your allowance on Jesus back then is nothing short of angelic. Ma Ingalls is giddy with a new bolt of material for a dress. Laura Ingalls has secretly traded her treasured new pony to nemesis Nellie Olesen in exchange for a new wood stove for her mother. Gulp.

After watching the third episode of people going absolutely nuclear with joy over handmade gifts and thoughtful gestures, I have emptied my entire online cart of overpriced nonsense and am going to bed. I've got a lot of sewing, carving and baking to do tomorrow.

I Don't Think Michael Moore is a Full Douche Bag Anymore

My previous opinion of Michael Moore as an obnoxious America-hating slobtastic douche has been altered by Moore's appearance on Larry King last night. Moore, a Flint, Michigan native and former General Motors employee, made some pretty excellent points about the failing auto industry on the show. He talked about their failing product line and unreliable vehicle performance as the reasons behind the industry's pending collapse. He opposed the blank check bailout requested by the three stooges on capitol hill yesterday because they'll continue making their bad management decisions with our billions of tax dollars. Instead, he said the government should take the reigns of Chrysler, GM and Ford, replace the management team and direct the companies to produce mass transit and hybrid cars, among other things. Check him out.

Halloween has Been Sluterized but Jesus Costume Offends?

This Halloween night was one giant ironic experience for me from my friends' young daughters dressed like hoes to the high schooler who was sent home from school for dressing in a Jesus costume. Picture this: we go to my otherwise rational friends' house for some bewitching brew and greatest scary movies of all time. I enter their home and their young teenage daughter bound down the stairs on their way to walk the neighborhood with their friends. Trick or treat? I'd say TRICK.

The girls look like little sluts. They're all of 15 and 16 and wear what they called "naughty wench" costumes, girl pirates with little more than the pimped out gals on the corner downtown have on. Their little boobies are pushed way up under their chins behind white and black lace corsets with red ribbons. Their little girl legs are fishnetted under black skirts that look like tutus and bounce just above their bubbly apple butts over which are just black underwear, one pair is decorated with skulls. One wears thigh high black leather boots and the other sexy black stilettos. Their make-up is heavy - black eyeliner and red lips. The only innocence about them are the pumpkins they carry to hold candy.

Holy shit. Uh, do you want your daughters to be raped tonight? Weird thing is, their parents are on the conservative side politically and socially. It just doesn't make any sense. The girls said goodbye to our group of adults and more than one mouth was gaping as they left out the front door, grinning neighborhood boys in tow.

I didn't muster the courage to ask my friends about their daughters' skanky costumes. And what would I say, anyway? "Are you okay with that?" They obviously are. I sure wouldn't be, no matter how much argument was launched at me. When I have kids, they will have two choices for Halloween until they are 18: ghost or witch made from bed sheet, no boobs, butts or legs showing.

Then on the other end of the insane society spectrum is the young man sent home from high school for wearing a Jesus costume for Halloween. What the fucking hell. The principal said it was inappropriate and would offend some students and distract others. There we go with that minority "some" again. What if he wore an Osama bin Laden costume? How much you wanna bet that would have been "tolerated", or at the very least, if he'd been sent home, radical Muslims all over the country would call for reparations and apologies. And they'd get it, too.

I'm going to bed. I'll probably dream of Jesus dressed as a naughty wench. Then I'll have to go to confession Sunday. Thanks a lot, fucked up society.

Best Life Lessons Learned From Famous Dillweeds

Life can teach you a spoonful if you let it. I like to keep my eyes and ears open for such lessons. I'll be the first one to learn from someone's mistake, or at least laugh at it. Let's have a look at the first honorable mentions in my "Life Lessons" feature. Each lesson is followed by whom to thank for it.

• Playing Mr. Potato Head with your face is dangerous. Michael Jackson
• Love really is blind! Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Rhonson
• Flat irons are for girls' hair only. Seriously. Larry Birkhead and Billy Ray Cyrus
• Good things don't always come in small packages. Vern Troyer's sex tape.
• Never say never. "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse.
• If your balls are big enough, you can rock any hairstyle. Donald Trump's apricot swirl.
• Father doesn't always know best. Josef Fritzl the Austrian perv.
• The Monopoly 'get out of jail free' card works on sheriffs, but not judges. Paris Hilton
• Sometimes clowning for the camera can make you look like a big butchy dyke. Rosie O'Donnell. Oh, wait.
• Even couture shoe designers have a sense of humor. Mary-Kate Olsen in bad shoes, and worse shoes.
• Sometimes fondling an old man is a good idea. You could even build a big career on it. Kelly Ripa is a Regis barnacle.
• Swallow your pride and kiss the rich relative's ass. Leona Helmsley chose dog over grandkids.
• Always carry disinfectant wipes in your purse. Scented ones are best. Britney Spears
• Talking like an Oompa Loompa doesn't win you any friends. Heather Mills
• Sometimes medication is the only option. Bill O'Reilly freaking on TV. Other times, it's so not. Anna Nicole's clown tape.
• Marriage is not always bliss. Warren Jeffs
• The Boogey Man is real. John Mark Karr
• Loving yourself is good, but too much of a good thing is bad. Kanye West as Jesus.
• Social media sites are drugs. You may also need electronic restraining orders. Scott Wolfe sues Facebook for addiction, Twitter Blacklist.
• Question authority. G.W. Bush