Metrosexual Smack Down: Are You Still a Guy?

I called my friend a metrosexual after he returned to the office with waxed eyebrows and he went completely Marlboro Man on me. The ensuing days weeks have been a fascinating experiment in the organics of machismo, culminating in the most fantastic declaration of manhood I have ever read, heard and fell asleep to. More on that later.

For those unfamiliar with the term metrosexual, it describes men who are very concerned with their appearance and engage in services or use products traditionally marketed to female consumers--At least that's my definition of it. Turns out, if you Google it, words like "dandy", "feminine" and "queer" appear in search results as synonyms of metrosexual. Three....two....one.....KABOOM!

Evidently teasing my friend about his waxed brows and neon white teeth ignited a masculinity challenge the likes of which may never have been seen before. Nothing against feminine dandies and queers, but that's not what I intended to call my friend. Too bad my word on that's just not good enough for him.

Since being labeled metrosexual, he has started each morning by telling me all the burly, rugged, manly things he's done the previous night: chopped firewood (we're city dwellers, mind you), worked on his TRUCK, popped bottle caps with his teeth. And on. He's been ordering medium rare steaks for lunch a lot more frequently. He even came to work with some stains on his pants, oil from changing the car's that morning. Down, boy, down!

Well, before he comes to the office with splinters in his teeth from eating tree trunks for breakfast, I'm happy to say it seems the metrosexual smack down has culminated to a deserving end with his sending me the video to a most apropos song, Brad Paisley's "I'm Still a Guy".

Nothing further need be said on my part, really. Just take a listen and read the rugged lyrics. I've fallen asleep to this wonderful tune for the past two nights and consider it the manly man's lullaby.

Kanye West's Fugly Singing on SNL Called Out!

Radio, TV and now print media buzz about Kanye West's horrible "singing" performance of Heartless last week on Saturday Night Live. Dare I hope? Is the media finally prying its lips off of his onion?

Ever since Kanye and his formidible ego arrived on scene, I've been equal parts of amazed and aggitated at the praise and reverence lavished upon him by music critics and other media talking heads. If his perpetual "na na na na, na-na-na-na, naa naaaaa" cadence is within earshot, I bring the hate.

Yes, he writes good hooks, beats and occasionally entertaining lyrics. Yes, he raps alright (and may I remind you I am an expert in urban musicality). But singer he is not. And that's what he mascaraded as on SNL, only everyone but Kanye noticed it.

Shawn Amos of the Yahoo music blog Get Back published an article today exposing Kanye's misguided confidence by making this sensible observation -

Kanye broke the cardinal rule of bad singing. He stepped outside of his preapproved vocal zone.

Oh happy day! Finally someone who has a voice inside proves not everyone is high on Kanye West. Amos goes on to say singers who know they can't sing are always forgiven. True. Consider one of my personal favorites, Mr. Johnny Cash, who said on countless occasions he talked a song more than sang it. But his showmanship and humility hit the bullseye as an entertainer.

Mr. West, on the other hand, thinks he is a most excellent singer and has told us all so on music award shows whether he's at the winners' podium or not. In all fairness, I may take my Kanye criticism more seriously than most. Afterall, he is banned from my blog as you can see over there ---->>. But not without good reason.

Amos' article is a good read. You can browse Yahoo's top list of singers who can't sing and all 11,000+ comments. They take some good shots at Madonna and her carnival arms. I only take issue with Celine Dion's mention. Sure, she's drama and I disliked her odd chest thumping stage, but she can most definitely sing, sang and sung.

"Whatever You Like" by Rapper T.I. Reminds Us Sugga Daddies Are Great

Ladies, is the economy cramping your style some? Listen carefully to rapper T. I. explain why you might consider getting a sugar daddy, at least until the Dow Jones volatility stabilizes a little. His lyrics describe the good life that could be yours if "you da hottest love the way you drop it. Brain so good swore you went to college." Sound like you? I'm sure it's okay if you really did go to college. I think the most important thing is the 'way you drop it' part.

Still not convinced? I applaud you for being cautious, but T. I. sounds like he's livin' pretty large. Think of all the other successful bidness men out there looking for a shawty to lavish their successful lifestyle on (for those not as familiar with rap as I am, you don't actually have to be short for consideration. Shorty is just a term of endearment.) Check it:

From T. I.'s "Whatever You Like"

Ya need to never ever gotta go to yo wallet
Long as I got rubber band banks in my pocket
Five six, rides with rims and a pocket kit
Ya ain't gotta downgrade you can get what I get
My chick could have what she want
And go in any store for any bag she want

Alllllright! I have an obsession with bags. My eyes are bigger than my check book. This sounds like an excellent solution, and then some. T. I. sums it up nicely with this, "... You want it I got it, go get it, I buy it...". And all he asks in return are a few requests that are a bit too direct to post, even here. He does water it down towards the end of the chorus, saying, "...he want my body, need my body, long as I got him I won't need nobody".

Fair enough. Listen gals, with Christmas coming up sugga daddies are in high demand right now. You'll need to make yourself stand out from the competition. Do some research. Watch T. I.'s video below, beyotch. (Just practicing)

Lyrics | T.I. lyrics - Whatever You Like lyrics

Dame Shirley Bassey Lays it Down and Gets the Party Started

While searching for more songs to stuff into my iPod last night, I enjoyed about an hour with Dame Shirley Bassey, a voice to be reckoned with. I knew of her and some of her old standards, but this rendition of "Get This Party Started" escaped my grips until now.

Dammit! That's piping out a song right there. I just love her energy and big diva voice. She's 70 years old in this video. Talk about a force. Shirley brings the perfect dash of diva to this song and its 'look at me' lyrics. We could all get a healthy dose of self esteem from some of these words:

"Everybody's waiting for me to arrive. Sendin' out the message to all of my friends. We'll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz. I got lot of style, check my gold diamond rings. I can go for miles if you know what I mean."

Enjoy it. You know you want to dance around the house to it. Do it. Quick, find your feather boa!

Get Sued for Singing Happy Birthday

Tonight's newscast informed me I can be sued for singing "Happy Birthday to You" in a restaurant or any other public place. Singing the most sung song in the world in a public place is largely considered a public performance, and as such constitutes copyright infringement against Time Warner, who owns the song.

Isn't that a kick in the head? Now I understand why many restaurants use a remixed version of the song when they bring that free desert out. Restaurants must pay for a commercial use license if they want to sing the original version to guests.

I always thought the song was sort of goofy and joined in renditions just to be a good sport. Turns out the silly little song isn't too shabby at making cheese. It brings in around $2 million a year in royalties.

Let that sink in and let's just think about this. The song's got two lyrics - "happy birthday to you" and "happy birthday dear whomever". There are a lot of other life events that could use a song of this nature.

• Happy divorce
• Happy parole
• Happy boob job
• Happy rehab..................to yoooooooooo!

If I could rework the music some and float these sign-o-the times tunes enough to catch on in public, I know I could look forward to early retirement. My jingles may not pull as much weight as "Happy Birthday", after all it was the first song to be sung on the moon, but I still think there's a market for them. If I can make enough for gas money, I'm in.

What other variations for "Happy Birthday" do you think might go over well?

Amy Winehouse's Sick Bag of Tricks: Emphysema, Crack, Eyeliner

No one who knows who singer Amy Winehouse is could possibly be surprised by recent reports that she is sick with emphysema, TB or some other lung condition. Dammit. She is such a talent with her dark lyrics and throaty voice. Her appearance is well, original. I like bits and pieces of it, but all together the effect is disturbing, sort of crackhead slumber party-esque.

But we should never judge a book by its cover, even if the cover looks like its been gnawed on by rabid doggies all night. I like listening to Amy without looking at her. Her songs are genuine, smooth and emotional. My favorite is "You Know I'm No Good". Remember the lyric, "I cry for you on the kitchen floor"? At one point or another, all girls cry for someone on the kitchen floor.

Well, it seems Amy's pushed her envelop past the point of no return at the ripe old age of 24. Her Dad blurted out her respiratory illness and warned drug dealers who continue to supply her with crack "must take responsibility". No, that's not gonna work. Drug dealers don't have a conscience. There won't be any change of heart on that end.

I'm not sure what will help Amy, but I hope someone or something does soon. At least get her to wear longer skirts. Seriously, is that a tampon string hanging out? Poor girl. Her husband is a clown. Her "famous" friends are trainwrecks. Her parents seem like enablers. I've seen live shows where she's clearly cracked out of her mind and they're both there cheering her on by the stage. My Mom would pull me off by my hair and lock me in my bedroom.

Many blog entries about Amy's latest health crisis are pretty harsh. There's even a website asking for predictions on when she will die. Winner gets an iPod Touch. Bleh. Now that's tacky. Another said she's inhaled too much hairspray with that planet on her head. Now that's a thought...Whatever the disease, I do hope Amy recovers. She sure takes the phrase, "pick your poison" to a whole new level.

Ten Percent of Rap Songs Make Excellent Points

The other 90%, sound like angry people with cotton in their mouths - kind of like what you hear at the dentist's office, but with woofers, more bass and a lot more "bitch" and "mufuggas" thrown in. But every now and then, a cRap song comes along that really teaches society something.

Consider Webbie's "Independent" song, or better recognized by white people as that catchy tune about a hard working young lady who doesn't need a sugar daddy. First, he speaks clearly enough for me to understand most of the lyrics and they're pretty good advice. For example:

She got her own shit.

She don't never trip

'cause all she want is that dick.

She bouncy flossy, keep them hoes off me.

Gotta little slang, man I love when she talking.

A independent chick, do you know what that mean?

She cook, she clean, never smell like onion rings.

Deep! Right off the bat I'm in his corner, pumping my fist. It's always a good idea for us to have our own shit. I can't go along with "never tripping", because a good crazy tripping does wonders for a relationship every now and then. But he wins me back with the next line. Moving on, not too sure what "bouncy flossy" means, but what girl in the game doesn't want to keep hoes off her man? Hold on. Let me Google "bouncy flossy". We can all use some more tricks in our hoe removal tool box...

And we're back. From the Urban Dictionary:

Votes: 1499 up, 100 down -
Flossy: Extremely flashy or showy.

Alright, I'll leave the "bouncy" part up to interpretation. So back to Webbie's verse. A little slang goes a long way at making your conversations more meaningful. I like to say, "What it do, what it do, bitch?" when greeting my girlfriends and also, "Quit icin' my grill, aiight?"when someone expresses an unfavorable opinion of me. Try out some urban slang and see how you feel. I suggest you do it at the office.

And finally, I'm not too sure what's so bad about smelling like onion rings. I mean, there are a lot worse smells to have. After a day of cooking and cleaning, I usually smell like, oh wait, I don't cook or clean. I'm independent enough to pay people for that stuff.

Let's bounce, beyotch!