World to Caylee Anthony Doll Maker: You're a Filthy Tool

The Caylee Anthony Sunshine doll was to be launched for sale online at CayleeDoll dot com for $30 until tonight's media expose of the worst exploitation of a murdered child in my recollection. The president of the manufacturing company says we've got it all wrong. The doll is a tribute to Caylee and it will comfort her family as they hold onto it and grieve, he told Mike Galagos on CNN. Yeah. And Bernard Madoff made an honest mistake.

The family can push its belly button and hear it sing You Are My Sunshine in a little girl's voice. Shoot, that would make me feel so much better after my grandchild's been murdered. You?

The doll with "Caylee" on her shirt is no longer available on the site. Now the dolls have three other girls' names. It's a Blogspot blog with the commenting turned off, but there's a menu link to several crazy "comments" pasted in.

People sure suck sometimes.

California Tax Refund IOUs? Bite Me, California!

Okay California, it's ON. Living in one of the most liberal states in the nation is hard work for hard working peeps like me. We have all kinds of cozy social programs for people who'd rather stay home and have lots of babies instead of go to work. In my city, such persons can get subsidized waterfront housing for about $100 a month if the property owner would like some sweet tax breaks for taking in Section 8 tenants.

Now me, I'd rather give a quarter of my paycheck to the State of California and the rest of it to my mortgage lender instead of living the high life on the waterfront for one Benjamin. And today, as an added screw off, the State of California has informed me that if the budget is not approved by February 1st, which is highly unlikely the pundits say, I will be getting an IOU instead of my state tax refund.

Bite me Cali-frickin-fornia! How 'bout I send an IOU instead of my property taxes? How about you make all these loafs living in free housing take back their 52" plasma TVs and Cadillac Escalades with 22" chrome rims and use those millions to give me my damn refund, eh California?

Sweet dreams to me. I better go to bed. I have to work in the morning. Effffff it all! And a special giant bird to Hollywood who thinks it's so politically savvy. Ass wipes.

Walmart Shoppers are Murderers, Kill Walmart Employee in Stampede.

I wonder how many Walmart shoppers in Long Island, New York, are enjoying Thanksgiving leftovers today after trampling a 34-year-old employee to death early this morning. Get a grip, America. Sheyit. We've now reduced the value of human life down to rolled back prices on plasma TVs and video games?

Crazed crowds took entry doors off the hinges during the 5:00 a.m. stampede for black Friday deals. The male employee was trying to manage the unruly shoppers when he was pushed down and trampled by hundreds of big fat feet attached to bodies whose heads must surely be empty from ear to ear. A 28-year-old pregnant shopper was also pancaked and taken to the hospital.

All I want for Christmas is for police to identify the jackasses who killed this man during the Walmart whackness caught on video tape. Smile, you're on murder camera.

My Home Owners Association Sucks Donkey Balls

Yes, you read right, my HOA sucks donkey balls. I'm sorry if you have virgin ears (eyes?), but there's really no other way to describe it. Granted, it's quite common among my condo-owning friends to hear HOA complaints. I'm not delusional about HOAs, thinking they really are the caring, responsible property management companies they claim to be. Oh hells no. But my particular HOA is in a class all its own.

Where to start. The dues are astronomical. My one-bedroom 900 sq. ft. condo owes $411 monthly. Hot damn! (I've been waiting for a chance to say that.) I live in Southern California where everything is overpriced, but that is pushing it. I am trapped here because I would take a loss selling right now and the HOA has wisely imposed yet another 20% increase for us beginning January 1st. That's the maximum increase allowed each year and they've made full use of it for three years in a row. Hot DAMN! In a time when people cannot even afford to buy extra underwear, it's so appreciated to choke off another $100 to the fascist HOA.

Anyhoos, my main gripe is the insidious ways they go about making extra money. We have a cornucopia of rules with new violations announced in every monthly newsletter. This month? The speed trap. That's right folks, the HOA security staff has radar guns. Radar guns. The speed limit in our complex and underground garage is 15 mph. Have you ever driven 15 mph? It's.......very..................slow.

I can't think of a worse combination than civilian security guards and radar guns. These guys are extreme wanna be police officers and now they're armed with radar guns. It wasn't enough to install speed bumps high as ant hills at angles so that your car axles jar four times instead of two. No. Now we have radar soldiers who I am sure are fully engaged in ticketing contests. It's as close to arrests as they'll ever get, well at least on the giving side.

So, when I get my radar gun speed ticket I'm going to tell him he sucks donkey balls. I've put a lot of thought into this and I think that's the most insulting thing I can say without threatening his life or using my potty mouth.

Those of you not yet in the vise grips of an HOA, save yourselves. Rent, buy a house or just live in your car. Nothing's worse than the wrath of an HOA scorned.

D.L. Hughley When Breaking the News on CNN Remove Your Pimp Jewelry

CNN is brilliant for hiring D.L. Hughley to break the news; he's brought smart funnies to the network whose best anchors are anything but funny. I respect Larry King's interviewing skills, but lately he's burped odd little leprechaun giggles on more than one inappropriate occasion. I like Anderson Cooper's globe trotting investigations, but his constantly furled brow gives me a tension headache if I watch too long because I'll furl my own subconsciously. And what can I say about Wolf Blitzer? Well, if I can't sleep I turn Wolf on because his monotone lulls me into dreamland.

So, D.L. is a welcome addition indeed. His comedy is original and entertaining and I also like his commentary. Watching him tonight as I've come to do each evening, I caught a glimpse of the timepiece on his wrist. Oh hells no. The damn watch was big as a Frisbee with diamonds prisming aurora borealis lights left and right. And those four-carat diamond studs in both ears? C'mon D.L., lose the P.I.M.P. bling. You don't want those kind of laughs do you, playah?

Rosie O'Donnell's Back : NBC Television is on Crack.

Rosie O'Donnell's obnoxious pie hole will be barking dim-witted opinions and crude blaps on the NBC airwaves weekly starting November 23rd. Well that's just great. I'd rather pour salt in my eye than see her on TV again.

Rosie O'Donnell is a human migraine headache with ocular disturbances. She's professed some of the dumbest opinions I've ever heard from an adult. Remember her 9/11 conspiracy theory based on her belief that the building collapses were the first time that steel has ever melted? Hilarious. I still wonder how she thinks steel is made. DUMB ASS.

All this foulness wrapped in a messy slobadelic package gets you another TV show? NBC is on crack. The same kind of tired controversy can only make love to ratings so many times. She says her comedy will be like Carol Burnett with Ed Sullivan type variety. Please. That's blasphemous. Carol Burnett is so organically funny and genuinely classy. Rosie is like a fart. It's funny the first few times, but after a short while it's just stinky, loud and disgusting.

Halloween has Been Sluterized but Jesus Costume Offends?

This Halloween night was one giant ironic experience for me from my friends' young daughters dressed like hoes to the high schooler who was sent home from school for dressing in a Jesus costume. Picture this: we go to my otherwise rational friends' house for some bewitching brew and greatest scary movies of all time. I enter their home and their young teenage daughter bound down the stairs on their way to walk the neighborhood with their friends. Trick or treat? I'd say TRICK.

The girls look like little sluts. They're all of 15 and 16 and wear what they called "naughty wench" costumes, girl pirates with little more than the pimped out gals on the corner downtown have on. Their little boobies are pushed way up under their chins behind white and black lace corsets with red ribbons. Their little girl legs are fishnetted under black skirts that look like tutus and bounce just above their bubbly apple butts over which are just black underwear, one pair is decorated with skulls. One wears thigh high black leather boots and the other sexy black stilettos. Their make-up is heavy - black eyeliner and red lips. The only innocence about them are the pumpkins they carry to hold candy.

Holy shit. Uh, do you want your daughters to be raped tonight? Weird thing is, their parents are on the conservative side politically and socially. It just doesn't make any sense. The girls said goodbye to our group of adults and more than one mouth was gaping as they left out the front door, grinning neighborhood boys in tow.

I didn't muster the courage to ask my friends about their daughters' skanky costumes. And what would I say, anyway? "Are you okay with that?" They obviously are. I sure wouldn't be, no matter how much argument was launched at me. When I have kids, they will have two choices for Halloween until they are 18: ghost or witch made from bed sheet, no boobs, butts or legs showing.

Then on the other end of the insane society spectrum is the young man sent home from high school for wearing a Jesus costume for Halloween. What the fucking hell. The principal said it was inappropriate and would offend some students and distract others. There we go with that minority "some" again. What if he wore an Osama bin Laden costume? How much you wanna bet that would have been "tolerated", or at the very least, if he'd been sent home, radical Muslims all over the country would call for reparations and apologies. And they'd get it, too.

I'm going to bed. I'll probably dream of Jesus dressed as a naughty wench. Then I'll have to go to confession Sunday. Thanks a lot, fucked up society.

Hanging Palin Halloween Display Legal Reaction Proves USA is Insane

The jackasses living in West Hollywood hung a Sarah Palin mannequin from a noose in front of their home and burn a John McCain likeness in a chimney. Yeah, that's art...Not. It's disrespectful, inappropriate and should be considered a hate crime, according to the definition of hate crimes. What? You don't see any violation against Palin and McCain based on race, religion, sexual orientation or ethnicity? Because they're not black, gay or Jewish? Has it been proven that this display is not based on hate of white heterosexual Christians?

Sheriffs say the whackness is alright because it's part of a Halloween display, which doesn't make it a hate crime. So, am I good if I want to set a cross on fire in a circle of white hooded figures on my lawn around Halloween? How about hanging an Obama figure from noose on my tree tomorrow? It's art. It's Halloween creativity at its best. No problems. That is so totally FUBAR.

Of course I have no desire or intention to do these things. But if I did, how fast would I see Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton postulating in front of my house, followed by their bus loads of protesters and obedient liberal media posse? Probably within the hour.

How would the gay dudes who live at this West Hollywood house like it if their neighbors hung figures dressed in rainbow pride clothes from their roofs? All in the spirit of Halloween, of course.

Why is this insanity tolerated so well by the majority? Does something cross the ethical line only if it offends a minority group? I'm so sick of the anything goes attitude in this country today. We are so twisted in our interpretation of freedom of expression. It's true what they say about the squeaky wheel getting greased. It's time for a different wheel to squeak, America. Stop spooning us bullshit. That is all.

Mandles Man Candles Reinvent Manly Scents

How would you like to fill your home with the scent of meat, fear, wet dog or beer? If your man buys a "Mandle" man candle, you'll soon find out. This company makes candles with, as they put it, 99% testosterone and 1% wax. Yeehaw, I say! Anything with 99% testosterone is dangerous, let alone when you light it on fire.

The scents offered are funny and nauseating, yet still I want to smell them. That's the edgy broad in me, I guess. Some of my eye catchers include: Meat, Pigskin, Chuck Norris Sweat (yummy!), Musty Locker Room, Urinal Deodorizer, Peel Out, Duct Tape and Top Gun. Visit the link for the whole line, it's got to be seen to be believed.

I like me some man smell as much as the next girl, trust me on that. But if my man approached me for some sugar smelling like Meaty Urinal Deodorizer, I would burp a little and then likely hurl in my hand. Granted, these aren't cologne scents, but the idea of walking into a room with these curious reeks is overwhelming in theory.

But I won't knock it till I try it. I am Mandle shopping this weekend. I am still not convinced these are real products for sale. The promo video says they're not available in stores, only by mail order for $14.95 plus shipping.

Even so, the Mandle may be filling a very underserved market niche. I guess our men could be pretty tired of Asian Pear, Sea Breeze Dreams, White Linen and Cranberry Crush. I asked my boyfriend if he wants a Mandle. He laughed me off and said, "I don't care about candles", until I showed him the scents on the website.

"Oh yeah!" he said instantly after spotting the "Burrito Fart" candle. I think I may have caused myself a world of hurt. I smell that enough as it is without a candle, if you catch my drift.

Carp Fish Pedicure: Doctor Fish Eat Your Dead Feet Skin

Tiny carp enjoy a feet skin buffet every time someone wants the fish pedicure in a northern Virginia spa. What? Yes. The latest trend in hilarious spa luxury to hit the U.S. is the fish pedicure, which uses "doctor" fish to remove dead skin from feet. The carp, first used in Turkey, are also popular in Asia where customers relax in shallow communal pools while the fish chomp on their flaking feet skin, or their whole body. U.S. regulations forbid the communal pools and require each customer to have their own water source. I think that's wise. I'd rather not float in pool of strangers' dead skin flakes, no offense.

The doctor fish don't have teeth, so apparently they can't bite your healthy skin off, only the dead flaky stuff. Patrons say the pedicure feels tingly or almost ticklish. I have a serious problem with ticklish feet and rarely get pedicures because of it. I am sure I would be completely hysterical if 100 tiny fish were eating my feet skin in the spa. They would throw me out and I'd lose my $35 for 15 minutes of fish biting.

Still not convinced of this process? Wondering if dead foot skin really tastes good enough for fish to enjoy eating it? Well, it seems it's primarily a result of environmental adaptation. Plants don't survive in the warm waters the fish live in at the spa, so they take whatever food they can get. Thus, dunk your callousy tootsies in and they come rushing over for a bite.

You can probably guess my reaction: Oh hells no. Maybe the fish mouths are better alternatives to sharp skin files, but I think I might throw up if I glanced down at all these fish feeding on my feet. But then, that's just me. I've never tasted my dead skin. Maybe I don't know what I'm missing.

Get Sued for Singing Happy Birthday

Tonight's newscast informed me I can be sued for singing "Happy Birthday to You" in a restaurant or any other public place. Singing the most sung song in the world in a public place is largely considered a public performance, and as such constitutes copyright infringement against Time Warner, who owns the song.

Isn't that a kick in the head? Now I understand why many restaurants use a remixed version of the song when they bring that free desert out. Restaurants must pay for a commercial use license if they want to sing the original version to guests.

I always thought the song was sort of goofy and joined in renditions just to be a good sport. Turns out the silly little song isn't too shabby at making cheese. It brings in around $2 million a year in royalties.

Let that sink in and let's just think about this. The song's got two lyrics - "happy birthday to you" and "happy birthday dear whomever". There are a lot of other life events that could use a song of this nature.

• Happy divorce
• Happy parole
• Happy boob job
• Happy rehab..................to yoooooooooo!

If I could rework the music some and float these sign-o-the times tunes enough to catch on in public, I know I could look forward to early retirement. My jingles may not pull as much weight as "Happy Birthday", after all it was the first song to be sung on the moon, but I still think there's a market for them. If I can make enough for gas money, I'm in.

What other variations for "Happy Birthday" do you think might go over well?

How to Give Your Postal Carrier Nightmares

If I was your mailgirl, I would walk on by your house rather than put mail in this blue fembot's head. If you tried it, I am sure she would swallow your arm. This is the creepiest mailbox I have ever seen, and I've seen a lot.

I can only say one more thing about this, oh HELLS no. I wonder what their toilet looks like. Shiver...

Teen Pregnancy Pact: 17 Babies Having Babies at Massachusetts School

Well this oughtta warm your heart. Seventeen girls aged 16 or younger are pregnant at Gloucester High School in Massachusetts. And they couldn't be happier! The girls reportedly entered a pregnancy pact to have babies together any which way they could. Several of them don't know who the fathers are (yeah, right) and one admits to sleeping with a 24 year old homeless man she didn't even know to get pregnant. Their parents must be so proud.

Let's see, when I was that age we made pacts like friends forever or marry brothers and swore each other to secrecy about our wild times at the mall, first crushes or perhaps, kissing a boy on the mouth (GASP!). A pregnancy pact would have been "ewwwwed!" and "no wayed!" off the board.

But girls today are so much more sophisticated and educated than two decades ago. And they have such great role models, too. I think we can't but thank some of those fine examples for young women for publicizing lifestyles that this fun and exciting pregnancy pact emulates. Tila Tequila, cyber whore wonder, regularly prostitutes herself on MTV with men, women, sons, daughters, moms and dads to everyone's amusement. She makes me want to wash my hands. Jamie Lynn Spears, although not as conspicuous as Tequila, is still showing young girls that getting pregnant before you are trusted to vote, drink or play cards is just fine. And on it goes.

Seventeen Gloucester families spin in a vortex of shame. Let's throw a shout out to producer Ryan Seacrest in this context. I thank him for bringing young minds such grounded and morally sound "reality" shows like "The Kardashians" and "Denise Richards: It's Complicated".

Yes, life and motherhood is all fun and games, just like on these reality shows. These young pregnant teens reportedly high-fived each other in the school clinic after getting positive results. Some of the babies' dads may not be as happy when they're in court for statutory rape. This is just a mess, isn't it? And what about the extra money the girls' parents will have to shell out for babysitters to watch the moms and their babies? Sigh.

All I can say is, oh HELLS no. Pregnancy pacts? Our society's moral hairline is receding fast.

Bird Poop Facial: Called It!

I must have found the perfect calibration for my trend watch radar because, hello, my prediction hit just outside the bulls eye on this one. Did I not prophesize animal poop facials in my recent fashion trends prediction? Maybe I was a little off on the animal, but who's that detailed when we're talking about slathering poop on faces? Monkey, bird, kitty cat - poop is poop people. And it is not coming in contact with my face no matter how chic our society considers it. Pfffft.

The Geisha Facial is proudly offered at Shizuka New York spa for $180. That's only about $100 more than the average facial. Who wouldn't jump at the chance to absorb nightingale shit through your face pores? The Japanese powder is advertised to be rich in the amino acid guanine, which brightens and cleanses your skin.

I'm thinking the brightening is from your angry skin cells screaming, "WTF are you doing? Clogging me with butt butter??" Okay, stand down skin cells. Let's examine the scientific merits of the poop facial. It seems geishas and kabuki actors used the powder to clean heavy white makeup off their faces in the eighteenth century. Today's technology uses ultraviolet light to kill the bacteria before you smear it on your face. Yay! That's what I call advancement.

I read one customer of the bird poop facial was a little tentative, but was delighted there was no poop smell and found the mask to be very creamy and rich. Oh hells no. Someone is laughing their ass inside out every time the cash register rings with our complete willingness to do anything in the name of beauty. I am not ever pressing bird shit into my face, let alone pay $200 for it.

The only thing that makes the bird poop facial less ridiculous is a procedure I discovered in my research called a poop sock. Apparently, it's common practice for World of Warcraft, Everquest, or other video gamers to shit into a sock when they're engaged in battle online and absolutely cannot get up to use the bathroom.

Ladies, I suggest you add a question to your man shopping list: "Do you know what a poop sock is?" If the answer is yes, walk on by.

Is Your Vajayjay Bouncing Off Your Knees?

Last week I caught the tail end of a very short newscast on the rising popularity of vagina cosmetic surgery. I'm sorry? You did say "cosmetic", right? Right. Not reconstructive or repair or any other word implying a functional procedure. Cosmetic, as in look mo pretty. Oh hells no. Please ladies, do not tell me we are so eager to please our men that we'll let (most likely) another man slice and dice our vajayjays into being more attractive to those who might find themselves face to face with it, on occasion.

Well, I've put a fair amount of research into this and it's true, vaginal cosmetic surgery is on the rise now and has 'skyrocketed' over the past couple years, some licensed surgeon sites claim. Sure, some women need surgery after difficult childbirth or another medical issues, but more and more just want to look great vay down der. Porn star hopefuls often get labia reshaping to conform to industry standards. Um, WTF?

Let me just say that my quest to report on all things diva led me to some hoohah photos I really did not need to see. In fact, my eyes will never be the same and the left one still tears and burns throughout the day. I don't know what these young women have been doing, but suffice it to say it's NOT working for them. No one can rock this look. In fact, the first thing I thought of after throwing up in my mouth a little bit was a striking similarity to organisms you see clinging to glass aquarium walls.

Okay, okay, post the link already, right? Fine. (And you girls turning away in disgust, you know you want to see it, too.) Well, don't say I didn't warn you. And before you fire off your hate mail to me, yes I know some people can't help it. But what do you say about the photo where both the snatch lips and the bunghole are stretched out like silly putty? Well??

In closing, I declare here and now that I will never seek surgical nips and/or tucks of my honey pot, unless I have a nine pound baby and even then my milkshake will literally have to be pouring out of my pants for me to consider it. Good Lord. Not for the squeamish.