How to Lie Soap Opera Style. Your Boss Will Love You For It!

Do you supervise people? I do. It's the most annoying part of my job. Just today I was thinking about all the boring excuses employees give when they want to misuse some sick time for a day off. Listen up droids, if you're going to lie to your bosses at least make it worth their while. There are many ways to dress up your lies about being sick. So don't be lazy with the usual, "I'm throwing up", "I'm having stomach problems", "I have a fever", and the very altruistic, "I don't want to infect everyone else". Put some muscle into your lies and entertain your boss a little.

If you'd like to infuse your lies with a little more drama (and who doesn't love drama?), I recommend lying soap opera style. If you watch soaps, you're already ahead of the game here. I only watch soaps to make myself feel better about life because, let's face it, no one has as much bad luck as soap opera characters. I like to teach by example, so let's begin. Find your preferred lie and then consider the soap opera version. I think you'll agree that the entertainment value of these pimped out lies far surpasses the plain old lazy lies.

Original: My daughter is sick, I have to stay home with her.
Soap Opera Style (SOS): I got my daughter's paternity test back this morning. Her father is the brother of my twin sister's husband, who is now a transgendered woman and my husband's arch enemy at work. He's a producer on Jerry Springer. I just need a day to straighten this out.

Original: I need to visit my Mom in the nursing home. She's having some issues today.
SOS: My mom was thought to be dead over a year ago. She has just resurfaced on a forgotten island in the South Pacific, suffering from amnesia. I need to take a few days off to 1) see who is really buried in her grave; 2) fly to the South Pacific to cling to her and sob 'Mom! Oh Mom! Don't you remember me?'; and, 3) fall in love with a flame eater 20 years my junior while trying to gather my thoughts on the beach as cheesy music plays. I should return by Monday.

Original: I have food poisoning. I am throwing up.
SOS: Someone has poisoned me by secretly squirting Visine into my food. I suspect it is my new neighbor, who is really my long lost aunt thought to have drowned in a diving accident off the Aruban coast 10 years ago, thereby defaulting a large family inheritance to me, which caused me to buy an astronomical life insurance policy with a beneficiary of "any future blood relatives" since I am a single career woman right now. I can fit my doctor, attorney and private investigator appointments into one Friday off.

Original: I am contagious and don't want to infect anyone else.
SOS: I am in the depths of despair over nothing and am thinking of offing myself. I am going to sit on the edge of a bed in a dark motel room holding a small pistol in my shaking hand, tears streaming down my face and dripping onto a photo of my young son who was kidnapped recently, but who is really just an imaginary child I invented because I am a lonely drunk. It's just a catalog model picture in the frame. Anyway, just before I pull the trigger (in between gasps and sobs), flashes of wonderful childhood memories dance before me and then my cell phone rings. It's my Dad just calling to say he loves me. I think I'll feel better by tomorrow.

Do you see what I mean? Let your boss get caught up in the undeniable suspense of it all with these soap opera style lies. Hell, they might give you an extra day off for thinking outside the box. Get well soon!

Blogging Directly Related to Butt Spread

This just in - studies confirm that blogging does result in butt spread, the process of your onion spreading out and over the edges of your chair while you're online for hours. If I don't ease up a little soon, I'll startle my cats with my supersized badonk, too. Like the commercial says, "get out and play an hour a day", or risk towing a wide load.

I Speak Seven Languages and You Can, Too!

It's very important to improve your communication skills. If you can't speak the same language as your audience, they won't understand WTF you're saying. Simple as that. I learned seven new languages online this week. I'm proud to say I now speak Pimp, Skinhead, hAcK3r, Smurf, Ozzie, Cockney Rhyming Slang and Redneck.

I can't believe I am seplingual! Are there any other human beings who speak seven languages out there? I doubt it. Well, let me demo my skills with these translations. After you've read this post and are staring open-mouthed at my language arts, you will be rewarded with the link to the finest free translation service on the Web. Stand by for shock and awe:

"If the people cannot trust their government to do the job for which it exists - to protect them and to promote their common welfare - all else is lost." -BARACK OBAMA

• Translated into Skinhead: "If der wankers cannot trust theys fookin' government to do der job fer which the fook it exists - to protect 'em 'n to promote theys fookin' common welfare - all else der fook is lost."

“Glory is not a conceit. It is not a decoration for valor. Glory belongs to the act of being constant to something greater than yourself, to a cause, to your principles, to the people on whom you rely and who rely on you in return.” - JOHN McCAIN

• Translated into Pimp: “Glory be not a conceit, know what I'm sayin'? Dat shit be not a decoration fo valor, man. Glory belongs to da act of bein' constant to somethin' greata than youself, to a cause, to yo' principles, to da muthas on whom yo' ass rely 'n who rely on yo' ass in return.”

"I'm not a sponge exactly, but I find that something I look at is a great opportunity for ideas. I invented 'It's a good thing' before you were even born." -MARTHA STEWART

• Translated into Ozzie: "I'm not a sponge exactly, but I find that something I squiz at is a bonza opportunity for ideas. I invented 'It's a fair dinkum thing' before you were even born."

"If O.J. had been accused of killing his black wife, you would not have seen the same passion stirred up." -REV. AL SHARPTON

• Translated into Redneck: "Hot damn! If O.J had been accused uv killin' his'n black wife, y'all would not have seen that thar same dang passion stirred up, Le-roy."

Love him or hate him, Trump is a man who is certain about what he wants and sets out to get it, no holds barred. Women find his power almost as much of a turn-on as his money. -On DONALD TRUMP

• Translated into Pimp: "Love tha dude's ass or hate him, Trump be a muthafucka who be certain about what he want 'n sets out to git it, naw holds barred, know what I'm sayin'? Hoes find tha dude's powa phat as tha dude's scratch."

"I believe a marriage is between a man and a woman." - GEORGE W. BUSH

• Translated into Skinhead: "Oi believe a fookin' marriage is between a fookin' wanker 'n a fookin' woman."

"My goal is to goad people into saying something that ruins their life." - DON IMUS

• Translated into Cockney Rhyming Slang: "My sausage roll is to goad people into sayin' somethin' that ruins their life."

Word of caution: if you're job hunting in these tough economic times, don't demonstrate your translation skills on your resume. If you shizzle the wrong nizzle, you might tank the interview.