Best Life Lessons Learned From Famous Dillweeds

Life can teach you a spoonful if you let it. I like to keep my eyes and ears open for such lessons. I'll be the first one to learn from someone's mistake, or at least laugh at it. Let's have a look at the first honorable mentions in my "Life Lessons" feature. Each lesson is followed by whom to thank for it.

• Playing Mr. Potato Head with your face is dangerous. Michael Jackson
• Love really is blind! Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Rhonson
• Flat irons are for girls' hair only. Seriously. Larry Birkhead and Billy Ray Cyrus
• Good things don't always come in small packages. Vern Troyer's sex tape.
• Never say never. "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse.
• If your balls are big enough, you can rock any hairstyle. Donald Trump's apricot swirl.
• Father doesn't always know best. Josef Fritzl the Austrian perv.
• The Monopoly 'get out of jail free' card works on sheriffs, but not judges. Paris Hilton
• Sometimes clowning for the camera can make you look like a big butchy dyke. Rosie O'Donnell. Oh, wait.
• Even couture shoe designers have a sense of humor. Mary-Kate Olsen in bad shoes, and worse shoes.
• Sometimes fondling an old man is a good idea. You could even build a big career on it. Kelly Ripa is a Regis barnacle.
• Swallow your pride and kiss the rich relative's ass. Leona Helmsley chose dog over grandkids.
• Always carry disinfectant wipes in your purse. Scented ones are best. Britney Spears
• Talking like an Oompa Loompa doesn't win you any friends. Heather Mills
• Sometimes medication is the only option. Bill O'Reilly freaking on TV. Other times, it's so not. Anna Nicole's clown tape.
• Marriage is not always bliss. Warren Jeffs
• The Boogey Man is real. John Mark Karr
• Loving yourself is good, but too much of a good thing is bad. Kanye West as Jesus.
• Social media sites are drugs. You may also need electronic restraining orders. Scott Wolfe sues Facebook for addiction, Twitter Blacklist.
• Question authority. G.W. Bush
  

Burt Reynolds' Love Affair With Burt Reynolds

I saw a recent photo of Burt Reynolds on TV today that made me choke on my pomegranate juice. And pom juice is expensive, so wasting some down my shirt is not good. If you've seen Burt recently, you know what I mean. The man, once sexy burly, has morphed into a taught-skinned, wide-eyed man barbie with removable black mustache. Pity.

While searching for before and after photos of Burt, I found this vintage shot. It's not often a man photo can simultaneously disgust and arouse me. The ass is not all that, but the attitude behind the ass is the kicker here. I generally like 'tude in a dude. I see a difference between arrogance and confidence. Still, posing for this photo just oozes 'I love me!' and I doubt most men would do it without losing a bet or being extorted by an exgirlfriend.

Didn't anyone suggest an ass wax? Seriously, with all the real life photoshopping Burt Reynolds has done to himself, you'd think he'd scorn at throwing up his hairy berry. I'm just sayin'.

Jesse Jackson is a Blowhard Who Wants Obama's Nuts

So Barack Obama calls for male blacks to man up and take responsibility for their children beyond conception and the Reverend Jesse Jackson says he wants to cut Obama's nuts off for talking down to black people. Right.

Every time Jesse Jackson opens his mouth I want to shut it. Why is this man so revered in the African American community and courted by the media? Black people, can you explain this? Jesse Jackson has now positioned his well-kissed ass in front of Obama's momentum by once again rehashing his tired cry of "Black people get no respect. Stop talking down to us." The only thing worse than listening to Jesse Jackson rant is having Al Sharpton chime in with him on the same show....which is just around the corner, I'm sure.

I think this is a simple case of president envy. Jackson, having unsuccessfully sought the Democratic nomination twice in the 80s, can't stand watching Obama's moment. Apparently he wants to take both his AND Obama's balls and go home.

Can you imagine if John McCain had said he wants to castrate Obama or Lou Dobbs whispered wanting to slice Hillary Clinton's tits off for something she said? Oh the fodder! Cries of racism, sexism and termination from employment ring through the air!

Mr. Jackson was upfront and center demanding Don Imus' termination when he called black female athletes, "nappy headed hoes". And yes Don Imus is an ass and a really bad dresser, but how come no one's calling for Jackson to disappear? Because he and Obama have the same skin color so asinine statements don't instantly morph into "racism"?

So Jackson's apology tour is coming to a network near you. Oh lord it's only a matter of time before Sharpton and Jackson yap on together about how a deeper meaning rooted in the struggle of black people in this country was really behind Jackson's idiotic statement. White people don't understand.

No Jesse Jackass, you don't understand. Obama is right. Black fathers toss their children by the wayside often enough for them to have their very own nickname. And please don't cry to me about all the Baby Daddy's in prison. They put themselves in there. What's that Rev. Jackson? They're in prison because they lacked positive role models during childhood? Oh, right, because they're dads blew them off, like Obama's saying. Maybe you should cut their nuts off.