Howie Mandel is a Tool. NO DEAL.

Situation: I do love the Deal or No Deal show but Howie Mandel's stupid commentary is insufferable.

Do you watch Deal? If so, how to you deal with the host's moronic chirping to the contestants? Let me explain. Nearly every show, the contestant has whittled away at the big dollar amounts on the case board and stands there, wringing hands on national television about to piss it all away, when Howie invariably asks, "Susan, there are three cases left including yours. One contains the million dollars. You need to open one case. How will you feel if you eliminate the million?"

WTF? How do you think she'll feel? She'll feel like a complete clown and want to vomit on her feet as she runs off stage hysterically crying, if she's anything like me. This kind of stating the obvious chitter chatter in the slowest possible manner to "amp the drama" torks me too much to watch the show anymore.

I end up mouthing off at the TV screen like an angry little woman. As you can imagine, this behavior isn't helping anyone, least of all my blood pressure which is already elevated from screaming at the contestants to, "TAKE THE DEAL!". Why do they always push it one case too far? Oh well, who am I to judge?

Wait a minute! This is Diva Cosmos where judgmental commentary is not only preferred, but a fine tuned skill. So along those lines, let's talk about that soul patch. It's not a good look for you to rock, Howie. With the silly fist bumping and somewhat phobic demeanor, 'smooth' just doesn't come to mind with Howie Mandel. And smoothness is a requirement for soul patches.

Anywhoos, I think I've found a good solution for myself. I watched the show with the volume muted and found it much more enjoyable. If I can just resist the urge to read lips, I should be good to go.

Someone Cursed Me With Itchy Red Hives

A hive spell is the only remaining explanation. Allergy panels are negative. No new products tried during the onset of the devilish hives. No new pets acquired. What else could it be?

It's pretty ingenious, actually. Consider:

• Humiliation: The hives appear at the most inopportune times. I got free tickets to the grand opening of The Laugh Factory from a friend who works security there. A mere 15 minutes before we arrived, my scalp tingled, my neck flushed hot. Filthy red welts erupted on my face and neck - so attractive. People do tend to shy away from you when you have such things on your face. I think it suggests a degree of contagiousness.


• Insanity: The itch of these hives could very well drive me mad. They itch so intensely that I harm myself trying to stop the torment. I squeeze the rubbery welts between my fingers to make them go numb. Too bad one was close to my carotid artery and I almost fainted. I stab them with my fingernails to give myself another sensation besides the bloody itching. Lately, during the peak of the itching curve I burst out in hapless giggles, which worries me a little.


• Expense: I am now a constant Benadryl customer. Not too expensive and well worth the price, but an extra cost just the same.

I am not sure who has done this to me, but I do have a cagey coworker in mind. I recently revoked her refrigeration privileges in the lunch room because she repeatedly harvested colonies of mold on rotting old left-overs. By the way, why is it so hard to just throw your old food away? This, I have never understood.

Anyway, this particular coworker came up behind me a few weeks ago, touched my back and said, "There! You had some hairs on your shirt." So that's how it's done, isn't it? Snatch a few hairs and commence with the hocus pocus?

Well, fine, girlie. I'll have you know that not all is lost. I do get one pleasure out of my hives. When two or more are close together, it's great fun to watch them merge into one gigantic super welt. So there! Take that. And watch your back for stray hairs. Or just buy your own mini fridge.

John Edwards Joins Lying Bastard Brigade with Rielle Hunter Affair

John Edwards ding dong ditched the rumors and direct questions about an alleged affair with his campaign aid Rielle Hunter from mid 2007 all the way until today when he admitted he did in fact dabble in her honey pot, BUT he didn't love her and his wife's cancer was in remission at the time. Oh good, that really makes all the difference. Those two conditional statements make the reveal even more humiliating for Elizabeth Edwards. How despicable.

Big bad John spoke to ABC news correspondent Bob Woodruff in an interview airing on Nightline tonight about the affair with 44-year-old Hunter that began in 2006. Interesting he chose to disclose the day the Olympics open in China. Hoping for some shelter from the media storm, John? Doesn't seem to be playing out that way.

Now the fun really begins for cynics like me. All the networks are playing sound bites of Edwards saying morally upstanding things that are now painfully ironic. Even the interview Rielle Hunter (formerly Lisa Druck who wanted to sound Hollywood and invented a new name for herself) gave in 2007 to Extra takes on a whole new read between the lines meaning, as does her strange grin throughout the video. The affair had been a year-long diddy at that time. Let me also say her headband looks dumb. In the video with Extra she says her experience "working" with Edwards was life altering. He was so "willing to try new things" and "so open". Yes, well, apparently it was she who was very open. Tramp.

Let's face it, the other woman is just as much to blame as the douche bag man cheater, if not more. Men think with their tools and if the woman says no, that's the end of it. But she said yes, repeatedly it seems.

So now we have mental images of John Edwards cowering in a basement bathroom at the Beverly Hilton Hotel last month, holding the door closed as reporters asked what he was doing there at 2:00 a.m. Presumably kissing Rielle Hunter goodnight, who was a guest of the hotel that night.

The side story on this is of course the lack of coverage from the mainstream media and accusations of how much more publicity the story would have gotten had the adulterer been a republican politician. I'd like to think it was consideration for Mrs. Edwards' health that discouraged media attention. But that's probably naive. Since when is the media concerned with anyone's health and well-being.

Anyway, now that we have a full circle mess, we can expect that Rielle Hunter will get rich from books, movies and interviews. I am guessing we will have to endure a press conference held by Edwards with his wife holding his hand and perhaps saying a few words of forgiveness. Another political wife swallowing shit for her husband and smiling through humiliation.

Look what you did, John Edwards, you lying bastard. So maybe your chances of being invited onto Obama's ticket are over. You'll get some advice from Bill Clinton, the White House gigolo, and be just fine as you leave a wake of ruin behind for your family. Sometimes men suck.