Is Your Vajayjay Bouncing Off Your Knees?

Last week I caught the tail end of a very short newscast on the rising popularity of vagina cosmetic surgery. I'm sorry? You did say "cosmetic", right? Right. Not reconstructive or repair or any other word implying a functional procedure. Cosmetic, as in look mo pretty. Oh hells no. Please ladies, do not tell me we are so eager to please our men that we'll let (most likely) another man slice and dice our vajayjays into being more attractive to those who might find themselves face to face with it, on occasion.

Well, I've put a fair amount of research into this and it's true, vaginal cosmetic surgery is on the rise now and has 'skyrocketed' over the past couple years, some licensed surgeon sites claim. Sure, some women need surgery after difficult childbirth or another medical issues, but more and more just want to look great vay down der. Porn star hopefuls often get labia reshaping to conform to industry standards. Um, WTF?

Let me just say that my quest to report on all things diva led me to some hoohah photos I really did not need to see. In fact, my eyes will never be the same and the left one still tears and burns throughout the day. I don't know what these young women have been doing, but suffice it to say it's NOT working for them. No one can rock this look. In fact, the first thing I thought of after throwing up in my mouth a little bit was a striking similarity to organisms you see clinging to glass aquarium walls.

Okay, okay, post the link already, right? Fine. (And you girls turning away in disgust, you know you want to see it, too.) Well, don't say I didn't warn you. And before you fire off your hate mail to me, yes I know some people can't help it. But what do you say about the photo where both the snatch lips and the bunghole are stretched out like silly putty? Well??

In closing, I declare here and now that I will never seek surgical nips and/or tucks of my honey pot, unless I have a nine pound baby and even then my milkshake will literally have to be pouring out of my pants for me to consider it. Good Lord. Not for the squeamish.

Friday Night Cocktail Mix

Thank god it's time for another Friday night at the Swizzle Stick. In fact, all my vajayjay research this week makes me want to think of nothing but swizzle sticks. SNAP. Well, tonight's libation needs to be the strong, silent type. Here's what's on special:

Tonight's Featured Cocktail: The Rusty Nail

Serve: Cold in an old fashioned glass
Smash Factor: Memory Loss
Origin: Scotland, 1950s

Ingredients

• 6/10 Whiskey - Scotch
• 4/10 Drambuie

Build over ice and add a lemon twist. Spin Henry Mancini's "Pink Panther" and see what happens. See you next week at the Swizzle Stick, and subscribe. Do you think I do this for fun?

I Want a Black Chick's Onion

No matter what I do at the gym, I cannot upgrade my ass from its current hatchback model. That's how I see it. It's got that slope to it like a mid 1980s hatchback. I'm sick of lunging till my thighs feel like blazing infernos under my skin. My glutes still quiver an hour later and the weird shifts I make in my desk chair to pressure them into stillness is giving a few coworkers concern, I think.

I guess I just don't have the genes for a bubblicious onion. I really admire black girl ass. Can I get a woot woot? Come on, you know you're envious. There's nothing sexier than a curvy butt, big mambas have nothing on it. Big racks are everywhere. They are so 1990s and more girls buy them everyday. But how often do you see a righteous backdoor?

A nice booty cradled in jeans is delicious. It adds instant sensuality to any look. You could wear flooded cords, Wallabees and a yellow sweatshirt. If you're pulling a loaded caboose, you can easily rock that outfit.

Well, before my hatchback and I go sulk for a while, let me clarify I'm not yearning for a badonkadonk. Too much of a good thing is never wise. I'm just saying, black girls, don't take your onions for granted. You're the envy of hatchbacks everywhere, including this one.

Extra Diva Details: Continue your onion envy by listening to these ass tribute songs. I think Sir Mix-a-lot summed it up nicely. Try shaking your flat bump to that song. No, seriously, try it: