How to Give Your Postal Carrier Nightmares

If I was your mailgirl, I would walk on by your house rather than put mail in this blue fembot's head. If you tried it, I am sure she would swallow your arm. This is the creepiest mailbox I have ever seen, and I've seen a lot.

I can only say one more thing about this, oh HELLS no. I wonder what their toilet looks like. Shiver...

Top 10 Best and Worst Celebrity Neighbors

My upstairs neighbor walks like King Kong. He's a nice enough guy. He's not particularly heavy and his feet aren't big ass flippers, so I'm not quite sure why he kerplops around up there. All I know is that the stomping sometimes makes pieces of popcorn fall off my ceiling (yes, I still have cottage cheese on my ceilings. Stop turning your noses up at me.).

Today the stomping dislodged a popcorn from my ceiling that landed on my keyboard. Sometimes the universe really does fuck with me. Anyhow, I started wondering what kind of neighborly issues celebrities have. My imagination decided to do what it do and before long I was deep into the Divasphere's celebrity neighbors' road show. ENJOY.

• For borrowing some sugar
• Worst: Amy Winehouse. She'd confuse her crack with it and your children might be on the short bus from then on.
• Best: Paula Deen. She'd bring the sugar already baked in a cake you'd trade for sex.

• For babysitting your kids
• Worst: R. Kelly. 'Nuff said.
• Best: Angelina Jolie. Your children would enjoy elephant rides, puppet shows by Jack Black and jet back from France in time for breakfast. You may want to look elsewhere though, if you like your children. There is a chance they'll be adopted while you're out.

• For watching your dog
• Worst: Michael Vick. Your dog might greet you by tearing your face off.
  
• Best: Caesar Millan. Your dog will be setting the table for dinner when you return.

• For neighborhood gossip
• Worst: Perez Hilton. Not only would the gossip be pseudo-juicy, homes would have lame smiley faces and squiggles spray painted all over the walls.
  
• Best: Joan Rivers, a straight shooter with red carpet observation skills. You'll just have to get used to that scary clown expression. Small price to pay for the low down.

• For celebrating holiday cheer
• Worst: Tom Cruise. If you don't construct a shrine to the supreme being, he might just rip all your Christmas lights down with his teeth while Katie beams with pride.
• Best: Oprah. She would affix a giant red bow to the roof of your house and pay off your mortgage. WOOT.

• For chatting up hair styles
• Worst: Victoria Bekham. Unless you want the angry scalene triangle look.
• Best: Ken Paves. Okay, not really a celebrity but the guy's got skillz.

• For feuding with
• Worst: O.J. Simpson. I hear he's got a short fuse.
• Best: Will Ferrell. How could you stay mad while wetting yourself laughing?

• For carpooling
• Worst: Britney Spears. A wild ride to say the least.
• Best: Donald Trump. That helicopter would cut your commute in half.

• For block parties
• Worst: Martha Stewart. She's much better after prison, but still, too much pressure to coordinate.
  
• Best: Sharon Osbourne. Roll that crazy train down my street anytime!

• For medical advice
• Worst: Howard K. Stearn. You might wake up in the morgue and return home to your neighbors watching his videos of you cracked out of your mind in clown make-up.
• Best: Dr. Oz. I don't think I'd ever be sick again with him next door to guide me.
  

Okay, if you've read this far you deserve a bonus #11!

• For karaoke
• Worst: Ashlee Simpson. Oh wait. Actually that might work.
• Best: Bruce Springsteen. Sweet.

Bacon Flavored Vodka Makes Me Hurl

I love bacon and I love vodka, so the bacon flavored vodka was a logical, albeit trepidatious, experiment. I heard about bacon vodka on TV and was curious. I'm always up for new experiences and if you've read me before, you know I love me some cocktails. So, off to the Net I went to find a tried and true recipe. Bingo:

Makes up one pint -

• Fry three strips of bacon
• Add cooked bacon to a clean pint sized mason jar. Trim the ends of the bacon if they are too tall to fit in the jar. Or go hog wild and pile in a bunch of fried bacon scraps.
• Optional: add crushed black peppercorns.
• Fill the jar with vodka. Cap and place in a dark cupboard for at least three weeks.(No need to refrigerate.)
• At the end of the three week resting period, place the bacon vodka in the freezer to solidify the fats. Strain out the fats through a coffee filter to yield a clear filtered pale yellow bacon vodka.
• Decant into decorative bottles and enjoy.

I followed these directions with wired anticipation. The bacon smelled so good. The vodka poured so smooth. It felt freakishly blasphemous to combine the two delectables, but I pressed on, twisting the jar closed and sequestering it in my closet. The three weeks scraped by and as evidenced by the cryptic bacon sticker on my cubicle calendar, ended yesterday. Yessssss.

So last night I removed the bacon vodka jar from the hallows of my closet and just took a moment with it, alone. As it cured in my freezer, I debated whether I should share the decanting with someone special or indulge privately. I chose the latter, just me and the BV.

My first warning was the slightest brush of nausea when I removed the coffee filter coated with bacon fat. I picked it up by one side. My finger slid down and into the greasy yellow residue. Whatever. No big deal, right? I decanted and put my tumblers into my chiller set.

Finally, bacon vodka meets the Divamouth and its cocktail red carpet, my tongue. I sip and try to swirl a bit. My mind is hiccuping around the blending of vodka and bacon. I can only describe what happened next as a sort of vapor lock of the senses followed by a burning rush from my gut upwards to the back of my throat. Flashes of bacon fat danced in my head and I steadied myself on the bar. I'm sorry to tell you that a small spurt of reconstituted bacon vodka shot through my teeth and fingers and dribbled down my arm.

I am so totally dismayed at my hurling of the bacon vodka. I have read such euphoria experienced by drinkers of the potion that I really don't know what to say. Except that bacon vodka makes me hurl and maybe you, too, should proceed with caution.