Subway Sandwich Artists: Stop Smashing my Sandwiches

I'm a sandwich shop lover and I especially enjoy Subway's Philly cheese steak and ham & cheese with added avo sandwiches. I like them so much for lunch that even though their relentless $5 promo song will be looping in my mind for the rest of the afternoon, I cannot resist spell of the Subway sandwich artist.

On several afternoons during the work week, I can be found waiting patiently in a moderate line at one of two Subways near my office. I look forward to my loafy lo-cal friend on Subway lunch days. I choose my bread carefully, alternating varieties for Philly or ham fixings. I watch the Subway artists keenly as they place the trimmings I request on my sandwich, making sure they don't overlook the extra feta and withhold the salt, but add the pepper.

'Anything else?' they ask. Nothing else. We're home free and I turn my attention to the register as the sandwich wrapping paper crinkles. Out the door, back to the office, behind my desk with my precious freshious at last!

I unwrap the goods and DAMMIT! Again. The fat, fluffy number I last saw before the wrapping process is smashed down to a mere sliver of its former self. Its innards squishing out on all sides, flattened avocado goo sticking to the paper and rogue onions refusing to go down with the ship poking out all willy nilly. Enough. I will Not Stand For It any longer.

I will go back to Subway. This situation is most certainly manageable. I will not stray from my sandwich until it's safely cocooned in its plastic tube bag and we're both on our way, far from the devil hands of the flattening sandwich wrapping Subway artist. You've been warned. Watch your subs.

Kanye West's Fugly Singing on SNL Called Out!

Radio, TV and now print media buzz about Kanye West's horrible "singing" performance of Heartless last week on Saturday Night Live. Dare I hope? Is the media finally prying its lips off of his onion?

Ever since Kanye and his formidible ego arrived on scene, I've been equal parts of amazed and aggitated at the praise and reverence lavished upon him by music critics and other media talking heads. If his perpetual "na na na na, na-na-na-na, naa naaaaa" cadence is within earshot, I bring the hate.

Yes, he writes good hooks, beats and occasionally entertaining lyrics. Yes, he raps alright (and may I remind you I am an expert in urban musicality). But singer he is not. And that's what he mascaraded as on SNL, only everyone but Kanye noticed it.

Shawn Amos of the Yahoo music blog Get Back published an article today exposing Kanye's misguided confidence by making this sensible observation -

Kanye broke the cardinal rule of bad singing. He stepped outside of his preapproved vocal zone.

Oh happy day! Finally someone who has a voice inside proves not everyone is high on Kanye West. Amos goes on to say singers who know they can't sing are always forgiven. True. Consider one of my personal favorites, Mr. Johnny Cash, who said on countless occasions he talked a song more than sang it. But his showmanship and humility hit the bullseye as an entertainer.

Mr. West, on the other hand, thinks he is a most excellent singer and has told us all so on music award shows whether he's at the winners' podium or not. In all fairness, I may take my Kanye criticism more seriously than most. Afterall, he is banned from my blog as you can see over there ---->>. But not without good reason.

Amos' article is a good read. You can browse Yahoo's top list of singers who can't sing and all 11,000+ comments. They take some good shots at Madonna and her carnival arms. I only take issue with Celine Dion's mention. Sure, she's drama and I disliked her odd chest thumping stage, but she can most definitely sing, sang and sung.

Humor Happy Hour Specials for 12/26/08

All that holiday frenzy has driven me to drink and I invite you to join me. Introducing a little experiment here at the Swizzle Stick Lounge every Friday called Humor Happy Hour. Throw back Sip your favorite cocktail and check out my menu of the funniest, cleverist, or snarkiest blog posts I've read this week.

Feeling judgmental? Rate posts in the sidebar poll by dropping olives in their glass. If someone gets a pile of olives, I'll ask them to guest bar tend here. The poll's open until next Friday. Invite your readers over to drop you an olive, perhaps?

So, without further a do, here be the Specials. Open all night. Throw peanut shells on the floor. Tips appreciated.

• William at Dead Rooster squares off with morning hair and self portrait perfection.
• LOBO at Predator Press unleashes a masterpiece and some anger management issues with 'Twas the Night Before Christmas.
• Kirsten at The Soccer Mom Files brings the sexy with a free-range reindeer.
• Chelle B, The Offended Blogger, risks both nipples every winter.
• Kathy fries bacon on top of The Junk Drawer.
• Amy contemplates Katie's situation.
• JD at I Do Things made me burple (you know, a small burp with a chaser of stomach acid often brought on by something kind of gross: burp +hurl=burple.)
• Tom Tomorrow chronicles the end of an error on Salon.

Did you read a funny post worthy of your eyeballs this week? Comment me the links for consideration on next week's Triple H menu. Don't forget to leave your olive in the sidebar! (One vote per reader.)