Five Men Who Pinch Themselves


Do you ever wonder how ijits get so lucky? It happens under so many circumstances: the donkey playing rags sucks you out with trips on the river on Full Tilt Poker; the drunk driver creams a car, kills the victims and walks away with a broken toe into the loving arms of rehab; the welfare baby mama wins the state lottery; the boring dork gets his own talk show. Grrr.

That last one yanks my chain. I really want my own talk show. Since it always makes me feel better to take cheap shots at people anonymously online, here are five men who must surely pinch themselves each day in total disbelief at their luck. The winners in descending order of obnoxiousity:

  1. Ryan Seacrest: Can you say overexposed? Say it with me: Over-effin-exposed! If this little boy and his funny pubescent hair show up on one more shitty reality show, I'm going nothing. Because the lamer among us think he's fantastic. He produces reality shows for skanks the Kardashians and Denise Richards, hosts American Idol and owns about 10 restaurants. He must be laughing his ass off.
  2. Carson Daly: He looks like a monkey and he's not funny. Enough said. Jennifer Love, what were you thinking?
  3. Howie Mandel: Where to start? He's a constant irritation on Deal. Repeating yourself and stating the obvious shouldn't earn you a salary to live large on. When I'm enjoying myself watching people piss away thousands of dollars, I don't want him cutting in with, "You're about to make a very big decision" three times before the commercial. And you are so not rocking the soul patch, Howie.
  4. Furnell Chapman: This NBC anchorman has the worst comb-over known to man. If a woman news anchor has split ends she's fired. Actually, Grandpa Furnell's hair is more of a comb-around and up rather than a comb-over. Just shave the filth off.
  5. Wolf Blitzer: CNN's anchor robot. Take speech lessons or someone load a jalapeno into his ass. Anderson Cooper could wiggle in there and do it. Please.
None of these people would be employed in my cosmos (except Anderson, he's a cute little moy!). They would have to clean litter boxes for food. Oh, try this for your cat boxes. It's the best! What do you think of my list?

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