How to Lie Soap Opera Style. Your Boss Will Love You For It!

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Do you supervise people? I do. It's the most annoying part of my job. Just today I was thinking about all the boring excuses employees give when they want to misuse some sick time for a day off. Listen up droids, if you're going to lie to your bosses at least make it worth their while. There are many ways to dress up your lies about being sick. So don't be lazy with the usual, "I'm throwing up", "I'm having stomach problems", "I have a fever", and the very altruistic, "I don't want to infect everyone else". Put some muscle into your lies and entertain your boss a little.

If you'd like to infuse your lies with a little more drama (and who doesn't love drama?), I recommend lying soap opera style. If you watch soaps, you're already ahead of the game here. I only watch soaps to make myself feel better about life because, let's face it, no one has as much bad luck as soap opera characters. I like to teach by example, so let's begin. Find your preferred lie and then consider the soap opera version. I think you'll agree that the entertainment value of these pimped out lies far surpasses the plain old lazy lies.

Original: My daughter is sick, I have to stay home with her.
Soap Opera Style (SOS): I got my daughter's paternity test back this morning. Her father is the brother of my twin sister's husband, who is now a transgendered woman and my husband's arch enemy at work. He's a producer on Jerry Springer. I just need a day to straighten this out.

Original: I need to visit my Mom in the nursing home. She's having some issues today.
SOS: My mom was thought to be dead over a year ago. She has just resurfaced on a forgotten island in the South Pacific, suffering from amnesia. I need to take a few days off to 1) see who is really buried in her grave; 2) fly to the South Pacific to cling to her and sob 'Mom! Oh Mom! Don't you remember me?'; and, 3) fall in love with a flame eater 20 years my junior while trying to gather my thoughts on the beach as cheesy music plays. I should return by Monday.

Original: I have food poisoning. I am throwing up.
SOS: Someone has poisoned me by secretly squirting Visine into my food. I suspect it is my new neighbor, who is really my long lost aunt thought to have drowned in a diving accident off the Aruban coast 10 years ago, thereby defaulting a large family inheritance to me, which caused me to buy an astronomical life insurance policy with a beneficiary of "any future blood relatives" since I am a single career woman right now. I can fit my doctor, attorney and private investigator appointments into one Friday off.

Original: I am contagious and don't want to infect anyone else.
SOS: I am in the depths of despair over nothing and am thinking of offing myself. I am going to sit on the edge of a bed in a dark motel room holding a small pistol in my shaking hand, tears streaming down my face and dripping onto a photo of my young son who was kidnapped recently, but who is really just an imaginary child I invented because I am a lonely drunk. It's just a catalog model picture in the frame. Anyway, just before I pull the trigger (in between gasps and sobs), flashes of wonderful childhood memories dance before me and then my cell phone rings. It's my Dad just calling to say he loves me. I think I'll feel better by tomorrow.

Do you see what I mean? Let your boss get caught up in the undeniable suspense of it all with these soap opera style lies. Hell, they might give you an extra day off for thinking outside the box. Get well soon!

5 Snap and Comment:

soapyfan said...

I really got a kick out of reading your soapy 'excuses' LOL! Bravo!

Fit Bottomed Girls said...

Dear Lord that's funny. I like to use a migraine as an excuse every now and again...I'm sure you could morph that into some soap opera drama involving a concussion, a love triangle and serious lust.

Vienne said...

Hello Divas and thanks for chiming in! @Soapyfan, I'm glad you got a giggle out of my soapy lie guide. I had big fun writing it.

@Fit Bottomed, a migrain is a good one. I don't hear that too often. You're right, what a great context for a concussion that results in a sort of truth serum for you. All hell breaks loose as you spew one secret truth after another, including your part in a love triangle involving your ex and a pole dancer named Chanel.

Whoa. I better stop here.

Drowsey Monkey said...

I call in sick a lot, so this is helpful.

Personally I like the last one, the photo of the catalogue kid just adds that extra punch, maybe I'll put one on my desk, LOL.

TWENTY. SOMETHING. said...

LMFAO! Esp @ the last one!

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