I'm a Real Cliff Dweller - Bacon Rice Krispies Treats

Believe me, I love bacon. If I were to someday go chalupas in the mind and find myself on death row for an unspeakable crime, I would request nothing but extra crispy bacon for my last meal. Last summer, one of my favorite blogs for kicks and giggs posted a recipe for bacon vodka. Sadly, my high expectations were flushed away, literally.

'Scuse me while I fetch a drink of water. You won't get that unless you click the flushed away link.

Well, what a wicked web our addictions weave because I tried another blasphemous bacon recipe from the same blog responsible for one of the most violent hurls unleashed in my bathroom to date. This time, a bacon-Rice Krispies treat mash-up.

Aaaaand, I'm still licking the pan! Hallelujers, it was divine. Picture this, all the gooey goodness of marshmellows and the sexy smokey flavor of bacon all wrapped up in the crunchy weightlessness of Rice Krispies. Hello, lover.

If you're licking your chops right now, embrace your penchant for everything bacon . You might even become an abstract food artist if you just let go and let bacon. I suggest you let it do what it do and be ye not afraid to make some of these beautiful bacon bars. I had them for breakfast this morning and they're so undense that I went down the street for a bacon cheese omelette afterwards. Life is good.

Walmart Shoppers are Murderers, Kill Walmart Employee in Stampede.

I wonder how many Walmart shoppers in Long Island, New York, are enjoying Thanksgiving leftovers today after trampling a 34-year-old employee to death early this morning. Get a grip, America. Sheyit. We've now reduced the value of human life down to rolled back prices on plasma TVs and video games?

Crazed crowds took entry doors off the hinges during the 5:00 a.m. stampede for black Friday deals. The male employee was trying to manage the unruly shoppers when he was pushed down and trampled by hundreds of big fat feet attached to bodies whose heads must surely be empty from ear to ear. A 28-year-old pregnant shopper was also pancaked and taken to the hospital.

All I want for Christmas is for police to identify the jackasses who killed this man during the Walmart whackness caught on video tape. Smile, you're on murder camera.

My Home Owners Association Sucks Donkey Balls

Yes, you read right, my HOA sucks donkey balls. I'm sorry if you have virgin ears (eyes?), but there's really no other way to describe it. Granted, it's quite common among my condo-owning friends to hear HOA complaints. I'm not delusional about HOAs, thinking they really are the caring, responsible property management companies they claim to be. Oh hells no. But my particular HOA is in a class all its own.

Where to start. The dues are astronomical. My one-bedroom 900 sq. ft. condo owes $411 monthly. Hot damn! (I've been waiting for a chance to say that.) I live in Southern California where everything is overpriced, but that is pushing it. I am trapped here because I would take a loss selling right now and the HOA has wisely imposed yet another 20% increase for us beginning January 1st. That's the maximum increase allowed each year and they've made full use of it for three years in a row. Hot DAMN! In a time when people cannot even afford to buy extra underwear, it's so appreciated to choke off another $100 to the fascist HOA.

Anyhoos, my main gripe is the insidious ways they go about making extra money. We have a cornucopia of rules with new violations announced in every monthly newsletter. This month? The speed trap. That's right folks, the HOA security staff has radar guns. Radar guns. The speed limit in our complex and underground garage is 15 mph. Have you ever driven 15 mph? It's.......very..................slow.

I can't think of a worse combination than civilian security guards and radar guns. These guys are extreme wanna be police officers and now they're armed with radar guns. It wasn't enough to install speed bumps high as ant hills at angles so that your car axles jar four times instead of two. No. Now we have radar soldiers who I am sure are fully engaged in ticketing contests. It's as close to arrests as they'll ever get, well at least on the giving side.

So, when I get my radar gun speed ticket I'm going to tell him he sucks donkey balls. I've put a lot of thought into this and I think that's the most insulting thing I can say without threatening his life or using my potty mouth.

Those of you not yet in the vise grips of an HOA, save yourselves. Rent, buy a house or just live in your car. Nothing's worse than the wrath of an HOA scorned.