Dame Shirley Bassey Lays it Down and Gets the Party Started

While searching for more songs to stuff into my iPod last night, I enjoyed about an hour with Dame Shirley Bassey, a voice to be reckoned with. I knew of her and some of her old standards, but this rendition of "Get This Party Started" escaped my grips until now.

Dammit! That's piping out a song right there. I just love her energy and big diva voice. She's 70 years old in this video. Talk about a force. Shirley brings the perfect dash of diva to this song and its 'look at me' lyrics. We could all get a healthy dose of self esteem from some of these words:

"Everybody's waiting for me to arrive. Sendin' out the message to all of my friends. We'll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz. I got lot of style, check my gold diamond rings. I can go for miles if you know what I mean."

Enjoy it. You know you want to dance around the house to it. Do it. Quick, find your feather boa!

Mandles Man Candles Reinvent Manly Scents

How would you like to fill your home with the scent of meat, fear, wet dog or beer? If your man buys a "Mandle" man candle, you'll soon find out. This company makes candles with, as they put it, 99% testosterone and 1% wax. Yeehaw, I say! Anything with 99% testosterone is dangerous, let alone when you light it on fire.

The scents offered are funny and nauseating, yet still I want to smell them. That's the edgy broad in me, I guess. Some of my eye catchers include: Meat, Pigskin, Chuck Norris Sweat (yummy!), Musty Locker Room, Urinal Deodorizer, Peel Out, Duct Tape and Top Gun. Visit the link for the whole line, it's got to be seen to be believed.

I like me some man smell as much as the next girl, trust me on that. But if my man approached me for some sugar smelling like Meaty Urinal Deodorizer, I would burp a little and then likely hurl in my hand. Granted, these aren't cologne scents, but the idea of walking into a room with these curious reeks is overwhelming in theory.

But I won't knock it till I try it. I am Mandle shopping this weekend. I am still not convinced these are real products for sale. The promo video says they're not available in stores, only by mail order for $14.95 plus shipping.

Even so, the Mandle may be filling a very underserved market niche. I guess our men could be pretty tired of Asian Pear, Sea Breeze Dreams, White Linen and Cranberry Crush. I asked my boyfriend if he wants a Mandle. He laughed me off and said, "I don't care about candles", until I showed him the scents on the website.

"Oh yeah!" he said instantly after spotting the "Burrito Fart" candle. I think I may have caused myself a world of hurt. I smell that enough as it is without a candle, if you catch my drift.

Carp Fish Pedicure: Doctor Fish Eat Your Dead Feet Skin

Tiny carp enjoy a feet skin buffet every time someone wants the fish pedicure in a northern Virginia spa. What? Yes. The latest trend in hilarious spa luxury to hit the U.S. is the fish pedicure, which uses "doctor" fish to remove dead skin from feet. The carp, first used in Turkey, are also popular in Asia where customers relax in shallow communal pools while the fish chomp on their flaking feet skin, or their whole body. U.S. regulations forbid the communal pools and require each customer to have their own water source. I think that's wise. I'd rather not float in pool of strangers' dead skin flakes, no offense.

The doctor fish don't have teeth, so apparently they can't bite your healthy skin off, only the dead flaky stuff. Patrons say the pedicure feels tingly or almost ticklish. I have a serious problem with ticklish feet and rarely get pedicures because of it. I am sure I would be completely hysterical if 100 tiny fish were eating my feet skin in the spa. They would throw me out and I'd lose my $35 for 15 minutes of fish biting.

Still not convinced of this process? Wondering if dead foot skin really tastes good enough for fish to enjoy eating it? Well, it seems it's primarily a result of environmental adaptation. Plants don't survive in the warm waters the fish live in at the spa, so they take whatever food they can get. Thus, dunk your callousy tootsies in and they come rushing over for a bite.

You can probably guess my reaction: Oh hells no. Maybe the fish mouths are better alternatives to sharp skin files, but I think I might throw up if I glanced down at all these fish feeding on my feet. But then, that's just me. I've never tasted my dead skin. Maybe I don't know what I'm missing.

Get Sued for Singing Happy Birthday

Tonight's newscast informed me I can be sued for singing "Happy Birthday to You" in a restaurant or any other public place. Singing the most sung song in the world in a public place is largely considered a public performance, and as such constitutes copyright infringement against Time Warner, who owns the song.

Isn't that a kick in the head? Now I understand why many restaurants use a remixed version of the song when they bring that free desert out. Restaurants must pay for a commercial use license if they want to sing the original version to guests.

I always thought the song was sort of goofy and joined in renditions just to be a good sport. Turns out the silly little song isn't too shabby at making cheese. It brings in around $2 million a year in royalties.

Let that sink in and let's just think about this. The song's got two lyrics - "happy birthday to you" and "happy birthday dear whomever". There are a lot of other life events that could use a song of this nature.

• Happy divorce
• Happy parole
• Happy boob job
• Happy rehab..................to yoooooooooo!

If I could rework the music some and float these sign-o-the times tunes enough to catch on in public, I know I could look forward to early retirement. My jingles may not pull as much weight as "Happy Birthday", after all it was the first song to be sung on the moon, but I still think there's a market for them. If I can make enough for gas money, I'm in.

What other variations for "Happy Birthday" do you think might go over well?

Best Life Lessons Learned From Famous Dillweeds

Life can teach you a spoonful if you let it. I like to keep my eyes and ears open for such lessons. I'll be the first one to learn from someone's mistake, or at least laugh at it. Let's have a look at the first honorable mentions in my "Life Lessons" feature. Each lesson is followed by whom to thank for it.

• Playing Mr. Potato Head with your face is dangerous. Michael Jackson
• Love really is blind! Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Rhonson
• Flat irons are for girls' hair only. Seriously. Larry Birkhead and Billy Ray Cyrus
• Good things don't always come in small packages. Vern Troyer's sex tape.
• Never say never. "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse.
• If your balls are big enough, you can rock any hairstyle. Donald Trump's apricot swirl.
• Father doesn't always know best. Josef Fritzl the Austrian perv.
• The Monopoly 'get out of jail free' card works on sheriffs, but not judges. Paris Hilton
• Sometimes clowning for the camera can make you look like a big butchy dyke. Rosie O'Donnell. Oh, wait.
• Even couture shoe designers have a sense of humor. Mary-Kate Olsen in bad shoes, and worse shoes.
• Sometimes fondling an old man is a good idea. You could even build a big career on it. Kelly Ripa is a Regis barnacle.
• Swallow your pride and kiss the rich relative's ass. Leona Helmsley chose dog over grandkids.
• Always carry disinfectant wipes in your purse. Scented ones are best. Britney Spears
• Talking like an Oompa Loompa doesn't win you any friends. Heather Mills
• Sometimes medication is the only option. Bill O'Reilly freaking on TV. Other times, it's so not. Anna Nicole's clown tape.
• Marriage is not always bliss. Warren Jeffs
• The Boogey Man is real. John Mark Karr
• Loving yourself is good, but too much of a good thing is bad. Kanye West as Jesus.
• Social media sites are drugs. You may also need electronic restraining orders. Scott Wolfe sues Facebook for addiction, Twitter Blacklist.
• Question authority. G.W. Bush
  

Burt Reynolds' Love Affair With Burt Reynolds

I saw a recent photo of Burt Reynolds on TV today that made me choke on my pomegranate juice. And pom juice is expensive, so wasting some down my shirt is not good. If you've seen Burt recently, you know what I mean. The man, once sexy burly, has morphed into a taught-skinned, wide-eyed man barbie with removable black mustache. Pity.

While searching for before and after photos of Burt, I found this vintage shot. It's not often a man photo can simultaneously disgust and arouse me. The ass is not all that, but the attitude behind the ass is the kicker here. I generally like 'tude in a dude. I see a difference between arrogance and confidence. Still, posing for this photo just oozes 'I love me!' and I doubt most men would do it without losing a bet or being extorted by an exgirlfriend.

Didn't anyone suggest an ass wax? Seriously, with all the real life photoshopping Burt Reynolds has done to himself, you'd think he'd scorn at throwing up his hairy berry. I'm just sayin'.

Jesse Jackson is a Blowhard Who Wants Obama's Nuts

So Barack Obama calls for male blacks to man up and take responsibility for their children beyond conception and the Reverend Jesse Jackson says he wants to cut Obama's nuts off for talking down to black people. Right.

Every time Jesse Jackson opens his mouth I want to shut it. Why is this man so revered in the African American community and courted by the media? Black people, can you explain this? Jesse Jackson has now positioned his well-kissed ass in front of Obama's momentum by once again rehashing his tired cry of "Black people get no respect. Stop talking down to us." The only thing worse than listening to Jesse Jackson rant is having Al Sharpton chime in with him on the same show....which is just around the corner, I'm sure.

I think this is a simple case of president envy. Jackson, having unsuccessfully sought the Democratic nomination twice in the 80s, can't stand watching Obama's moment. Apparently he wants to take both his AND Obama's balls and go home.

Can you imagine if John McCain had said he wants to castrate Obama or Lou Dobbs whispered wanting to slice Hillary Clinton's tits off for something she said? Oh the fodder! Cries of racism, sexism and termination from employment ring through the air!

Mr. Jackson was upfront and center demanding Don Imus' termination when he called black female athletes, "nappy headed hoes". And yes Don Imus is an ass and a really bad dresser, but how come no one's calling for Jackson to disappear? Because he and Obama have the same skin color so asinine statements don't instantly morph into "racism"?

So Jackson's apology tour is coming to a network near you. Oh lord it's only a matter of time before Sharpton and Jackson yap on together about how a deeper meaning rooted in the struggle of black people in this country was really behind Jackson's idiotic statement. White people don't understand.

No Jesse Jackass, you don't understand. Obama is right. Black fathers toss their children by the wayside often enough for them to have their very own nickname. And please don't cry to me about all the Baby Daddy's in prison. They put themselves in there. What's that Rev. Jackson? They're in prison because they lacked positive role models during childhood? Oh, right, because they're dads blew them off, like Obama's saying. Maybe you should cut their nuts off.

How to Lie Soap Opera Style. Your Boss Will Love You For It!

Do you supervise people? I do. It's the most annoying part of my job. Just today I was thinking about all the boring excuses employees give when they want to misuse some sick time for a day off. Listen up droids, if you're going to lie to your bosses at least make it worth their while. There are many ways to dress up your lies about being sick. So don't be lazy with the usual, "I'm throwing up", "I'm having stomach problems", "I have a fever", and the very altruistic, "I don't want to infect everyone else". Put some muscle into your lies and entertain your boss a little.

If you'd like to infuse your lies with a little more drama (and who doesn't love drama?), I recommend lying soap opera style. If you watch soaps, you're already ahead of the game here. I only watch soaps to make myself feel better about life because, let's face it, no one has as much bad luck as soap opera characters. I like to teach by example, so let's begin. Find your preferred lie and then consider the soap opera version. I think you'll agree that the entertainment value of these pimped out lies far surpasses the plain old lazy lies.

Original: My daughter is sick, I have to stay home with her.
Soap Opera Style (SOS): I got my daughter's paternity test back this morning. Her father is the brother of my twin sister's husband, who is now a transgendered woman and my husband's arch enemy at work. He's a producer on Jerry Springer. I just need a day to straighten this out.

Original: I need to visit my Mom in the nursing home. She's having some issues today.
SOS: My mom was thought to be dead over a year ago. She has just resurfaced on a forgotten island in the South Pacific, suffering from amnesia. I need to take a few days off to 1) see who is really buried in her grave; 2) fly to the South Pacific to cling to her and sob 'Mom! Oh Mom! Don't you remember me?'; and, 3) fall in love with a flame eater 20 years my junior while trying to gather my thoughts on the beach as cheesy music plays. I should return by Monday.

Original: I have food poisoning. I am throwing up.
SOS: Someone has poisoned me by secretly squirting Visine into my food. I suspect it is my new neighbor, who is really my long lost aunt thought to have drowned in a diving accident off the Aruban coast 10 years ago, thereby defaulting a large family inheritance to me, which caused me to buy an astronomical life insurance policy with a beneficiary of "any future blood relatives" since I am a single career woman right now. I can fit my doctor, attorney and private investigator appointments into one Friday off.

Original: I am contagious and don't want to infect anyone else.
SOS: I am in the depths of despair over nothing and am thinking of offing myself. I am going to sit on the edge of a bed in a dark motel room holding a small pistol in my shaking hand, tears streaming down my face and dripping onto a photo of my young son who was kidnapped recently, but who is really just an imaginary child I invented because I am a lonely drunk. It's just a catalog model picture in the frame. Anyway, just before I pull the trigger (in between gasps and sobs), flashes of wonderful childhood memories dance before me and then my cell phone rings. It's my Dad just calling to say he loves me. I think I'll feel better by tomorrow.

Do you see what I mean? Let your boss get caught up in the undeniable suspense of it all with these soap opera style lies. Hell, they might give you an extra day off for thinking outside the box. Get well soon!

Blogging Directly Related to Butt Spread

This just in - studies confirm that blogging does result in butt spread, the process of your onion spreading out and over the edges of your chair while you're online for hours. If I don't ease up a little soon, I'll startle my cats with my supersized badonk, too. Like the commercial says, "get out and play an hour a day", or risk towing a wide load.

I Speak Seven Languages and You Can, Too!

It's very important to improve your communication skills. If you can't speak the same language as your audience, they won't understand WTF you're saying. Simple as that. I learned seven new languages online this week. I'm proud to say I now speak Pimp, Skinhead, hAcK3r, Smurf, Ozzie, Cockney Rhyming Slang and Redneck.

I can't believe I am seplingual! Are there any other human beings who speak seven languages out there? I doubt it. Well, let me demo my skills with these translations. After you've read this post and are staring open-mouthed at my language arts, you will be rewarded with the link to the finest free translation service on the Web. Stand by for shock and awe:

"If the people cannot trust their government to do the job for which it exists - to protect them and to promote their common welfare - all else is lost." -BARACK OBAMA

• Translated into Skinhead: "If der wankers cannot trust theys fookin' government to do der job fer which the fook it exists - to protect 'em 'n to promote theys fookin' common welfare - all else der fook is lost."

“Glory is not a conceit. It is not a decoration for valor. Glory belongs to the act of being constant to something greater than yourself, to a cause, to your principles, to the people on whom you rely and who rely on you in return.” - JOHN McCAIN

• Translated into Pimp: “Glory be not a conceit, know what I'm sayin'? Dat shit be not a decoration fo valor, man. Glory belongs to da act of bein' constant to somethin' greata than youself, to a cause, to yo' principles, to da muthas on whom yo' ass rely 'n who rely on yo' ass in return.”

"I'm not a sponge exactly, but I find that something I look at is a great opportunity for ideas. I invented 'It's a good thing' before you were even born." -MARTHA STEWART

• Translated into Ozzie: "I'm not a sponge exactly, but I find that something I squiz at is a bonza opportunity for ideas. I invented 'It's a fair dinkum thing' before you were even born."

"If O.J. had been accused of killing his black wife, you would not have seen the same passion stirred up." -REV. AL SHARPTON

• Translated into Redneck: "Hot damn! If O.J had been accused uv killin' his'n black wife, y'all would not have seen that thar same dang passion stirred up, Le-roy."

Love him or hate him, Trump is a man who is certain about what he wants and sets out to get it, no holds barred. Women find his power almost as much of a turn-on as his money. -On DONALD TRUMP

• Translated into Pimp: "Love tha dude's ass or hate him, Trump be a muthafucka who be certain about what he want 'n sets out to git it, naw holds barred, know what I'm sayin'? Hoes find tha dude's powa phat as tha dude's scratch."

"I believe a marriage is between a man and a woman." - GEORGE W. BUSH

• Translated into Skinhead: "Oi believe a fookin' marriage is between a fookin' wanker 'n a fookin' woman."

"My goal is to goad people into saying something that ruins their life." - DON IMUS

• Translated into Cockney Rhyming Slang: "My sausage roll is to goad people into sayin' somethin' that ruins their life."

Word of caution: if you're job hunting in these tough economic times, don't demonstrate your translation skills on your resume. If you shizzle the wrong nizzle, you might tank the interview.