I Speak Seven Languages and You Can, Too!

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It's very important to improve your communication skills. If you can't speak the same language as your audience, they won't understand WTF you're saying. Simple as that. I learned seven new languages online this week. I'm proud to say I now speak Pimp, Skinhead, hAcK3r, Smurf, Ozzie, Cockney Rhyming Slang and Redneck.

I can't believe I am seplingual! Are there any other human beings who speak seven languages out there? I doubt it. Well, let me demo my skills with these translations. After you've read this post and are staring open-mouthed at my language arts, you will be rewarded with the link to the finest free translation service on the Web. Stand by for shock and awe:

"If the people cannot trust their government to do the job for which it exists - to protect them and to promote their common welfare - all else is lost." -BARACK OBAMA

• Translated into Skinhead: "If der wankers cannot trust theys fookin' government to do der job fer which the fook it exists - to protect 'em 'n to promote theys fookin' common welfare - all else der fook is lost."

“Glory is not a conceit. It is not a decoration for valor. Glory belongs to the act of being constant to something greater than yourself, to a cause, to your principles, to the people on whom you rely and who rely on you in return.” - JOHN McCAIN

• Translated into Pimp: “Glory be not a conceit, know what I'm sayin'? Dat shit be not a decoration fo valor, man. Glory belongs to da act of bein' constant to somethin' greata than youself, to a cause, to yo' principles, to da muthas on whom yo' ass rely 'n who rely on yo' ass in return.”

"I'm not a sponge exactly, but I find that something I look at is a great opportunity for ideas. I invented 'It's a good thing' before you were even born." -MARTHA STEWART

• Translated into Ozzie: "I'm not a sponge exactly, but I find that something I squiz at is a bonza opportunity for ideas. I invented 'It's a fair dinkum thing' before you were even born."

"If O.J. had been accused of killing his black wife, you would not have seen the same passion stirred up." -REV. AL SHARPTON

• Translated into Redneck: "Hot damn! If O.J had been accused uv killin' his'n black wife, y'all would not have seen that thar same dang passion stirred up, Le-roy."

Love him or hate him, Trump is a man who is certain about what he wants and sets out to get it, no holds barred. Women find his power almost as much of a turn-on as his money. -On DONALD TRUMP

• Translated into Pimp: "Love tha dude's ass or hate him, Trump be a muthafucka who be certain about what he want 'n sets out to git it, naw holds barred, know what I'm sayin'? Hoes find tha dude's powa phat as tha dude's scratch."

"I believe a marriage is between a man and a woman." - GEORGE W. BUSH

• Translated into Skinhead: "Oi believe a fookin' marriage is between a fookin' wanker 'n a fookin' woman."

"My goal is to goad people into saying something that ruins their life." - DON IMUS

• Translated into Cockney Rhyming Slang: "My sausage roll is to goad people into sayin' somethin' that ruins their life."

Word of caution: if you're job hunting in these tough economic times, don't demonstrate your translation skills on your resume. If you shizzle the wrong nizzle, you might tank the interview.