Top 10 Best and Worst Celebrity Neighbors

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My upstairs neighbor walks like King Kong. He's a nice enough guy. He's not particularly heavy and his feet aren't big ass flippers, so I'm not quite sure why he kerplops around up there. All I know is that the stomping sometimes makes pieces of popcorn fall off my ceiling (yes, I still have cottage cheese on my ceilings. Stop turning your noses up at me.).

Today the stomping dislodged a popcorn from my ceiling that landed on my keyboard. Sometimes the universe really does fuck with me. Anyhow, I started wondering what kind of neighborly issues celebrities have. My imagination decided to do what it do and before long I was deep into the Divasphere's celebrity neighbors' road show. ENJOY.
  • For borrowing some sugar
    • Worst: Amy Winehouse. She'd confuse her crack with it and your children might be on the short bus from then on.
    • Best: Paula Deen. She'd bring the sugar already baked in a cake you'd trade for sex.
  • For babysitting your kids
    • Worst: R. Kelly. 'Nuff said.
    • Best: Angelina Jolie. Your children would enjoy elephant rides, puppet shows by Jack Black and jet back from France in time for breakfast. You may want to look elsewhere though, if you like your children. There is a chance they'll be adopted while you're out.
  • For watching your dog
    • Worst: Michael Vick. Your dog might greet you by tearing your face off.
    • Best: Caesar Millan. Your dog will be setting the table for dinner when you return.
  • For neighborhood gossip
    • Worst: Perez Hilton. Not only would the gossip be pseudo-juicy, homes would have lame smiley faces and squiggles spray painted all over the walls.
    • Best: Joan Rivers, a straight shooter with red carpet observation skills. You'll just have to get used to that scary clown expression. Small price to pay for the low down.
  • For celebrating holiday cheer
    • Worst: Tom Cruise. If you don't construct a shrine to the supreme being, he might just rip all your Christmas lights down with his teeth while Katie beams with pride.
    • Best: Oprah. She would affix a giant red bow to the roof of your house and pay off your mortgage. WOOT.
  • For chatting up hair styles
    • Worst: Victoria Bekham. Unless you want the angry scalene triangle look.
    • Best: Ken Paves. Okay, not really a celebrity but the guy's got skillz.
  • For feuding with
    • Worst: O.J. Simpson. I hear he's got a short fuse.
    • Best: Will Ferrell. How could you stay mad while wetting yourself laughing?
  • For carpooling
    • Worst: Britney Spears. A wild ride to say the least.
    • Best: Donald Trump. That helicopter would cut your commute in half.
  • For block parties
    • Worst: Martha Stewart. She's much better after prison, but still, too much pressure to coordinate.
    • Best: Sharon Osbourne. Roll that crazy train down my street anytime!
  • For medical advice
    • Worst: Howard K. Stearn. You might wake up in the morgue and return home to your neighbors watching his videos of you cracked out of your mind in clown make-up.
    • Best: Dr. Oz. I don't think I'd ever be sick again with him next door to guide me.
Okay, if you've read this far you deserve a bonus #11!
  • For karaoke
    • Worst: Ashlee Simpson. Oh wait. Actually that might work.
    • Best: Bruce Springsteen. Sweet.

6 Snap and Comment:

Drowsey Monkey said...

Bruce Sprinsteen? God no, he might sing or something.

Always live on the top floor. That's where I live. No matter how tiny your upstairs neighbour is ... they always sound like an elephant, lol.

cardiogirl said...

Love the "topiary" photo, though it took me a minute to figure it out (it is 4:48 am and I'm working on my first cup of coffee.

My favorite on the list hast to be:

For feuding with

Worst: O.J. Simpson. I hear he's got a short fuse.

I love that one!

Vienne said...

Hi ladies, thanks for having your say.

@DrowseyM., how I wish I had the penthouse, unfortunately, blogging hasn't subsidized my income enough to live above the first floor...yet. Yes, blogosphere, that IS a threat.

Hi Cardiogirl, I also dig that topiary. If I had a front yard, I would so try to grow that, whether I liked my neighbor or not. It's just too beautiful for details like that. I wonder what O.J. would do if he faced that every morning?

The Offended Blogger said...

Oooh for the good neighbor I'd want Cesar Milan living next door, I love him!

For the bad neighbor, I love the Amy Winehouse one.

Sad, but probably very true! :p

Claire said...

I didn't know all the celebrities that you picked, but for the ones I knew I am in agreement :)

Amy Whiney arse, definitely deserves a smack with a haddock. She sang at this years Glastonbury and sounded bloody awful.I had to turn off the radio, it was that bad.

The was a recent poll about her and what do you think most people thought was in her hair?

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