Bird Poop Facial: Called It!

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I must have found the perfect calibration for my trend watch radar because, hello, my prediction hit just outside the bulls eye on this one. Did I not prophesize animal poop facials in my recent fashion trends prediction? Maybe I was a little off on the animal, but who's that detailed when we're talking about slathering poop on faces? Monkey, bird, kitty cat - poop is poop people. And it is not coming in contact with my face no matter how chic our society considers it. Pfffft.

The Geisha Facial is proudly offered at Shizuka New York spa for $180. That's only about $100 more than the average facial. Who wouldn't jump at the chance to absorb nightingale shit through your face pores? The Japanese powder is advertised to be rich in the amino acid guanine, which brightens and cleanses your skin.

I'm thinking the brightening is from your angry skin cells screaming, "WTF are you doing? Clogging me with butt butter??" Okay, stand down skin cells. Let's examine the scientific merits of the poop facial. It seems geishas and kabuki actors used the powder to clean heavy white makeup off their faces in the eighteenth century. Today's technology uses ultraviolet light to kill the bacteria before you smear it on your face. Yay! That's what I call advancement.

I read one customer of the bird poop facial was a little tentative, but was delighted there was no poop smell and found the mask to be very creamy and rich. Oh hells no. Someone is laughing their ass inside out every time the cash register rings with our complete willingness to do anything in the name of beauty. I am not ever pressing bird shit into my face, let alone pay $200 for it.

The only thing that makes the bird poop facial less ridiculous is a procedure I discovered in my research called a poop sock. Apparently, it's common practice for World of Warcraft, Everquest, or other video gamers to shit into a sock when they're engaged in battle online and absolutely cannot get up to use the bathroom.

Ladies, I suggest you add a question to your man shopping list: "Do you know what a poop sock is?" If the answer is yes, walk on by.